Acceptance of What Is

It has been a few days since Gommy has written on her blog. No, it wasn't 'Bloggers' Block', it was work, work, work. Then Gommy and Grandpa Mike went to see a movie last night. It was a very, very sad movie. The movie was about losing a child. Gommy knows a few things about losing a child. In fact, losing two children and a husband. So today Gommy will write about loss. And then about acceptance of the loss.

It is very frightening and scary to lose a husband. Especially when you are a couple with young children. All of a sudden, the remaining parent has ALL of the responsibility for the children. It is hard enough when you have someone to share the raising of your children. When you are the surviving parent, you have a whole other bag of pitfalls and mistakes you can and probably will make with your children. Gommy feels, from her experiences, that as terrible as it is to lose a husband, it is so much worse to lose your child. Gommy has experienced both tragedies and as much as it hurts to lose your husband, there is no measure of the hurt you feel when your children die. Your heart doesn't feel as if it can go on beating again. Or that it even should go on beating. But it must and you know deep down that it must.

I thank God everyday that I have my daughter Tracey. Gommy can't even fathom the terribly unfortunate people who lose everyone in their family to a fire, accident or airplane crash. Tracey and I had and still have each other as family. We have shared memories of her Dad and Terry and Tiff. We share a grief that never does completely dissolve. But we also share very wonderful family memories as well.

The road out of grief is different for everyone. Some people never 'get over' their loss. 'Get over' doesn't seem right either because you never 'get over' losing a loved one. But how you deal with the loss is what makes the difference. Gommy thinks another analogy that is better to describe the feeling of family loss is like the spokes on a wheel. When one is missing, it is always missing and you can't replace it. Not even if you put in new spokes. Every holiday, birthday, a special place you all visited together, etc. is impacted by the feeling of loss. You hear a song, smell a smell, see something you know they would like, wonder if they would like some new invention or KNOW they would just love some new contraption that is new i.e. TEXTING....Gommy knows Tiff would be just 'running off at the fingers' with that invention. When Gommy hears a really good joke, Terry is the person I think of. I wish I could tell it to him because he was probably the funniest person Gommy ever knew......I miss sharing humor with Terry.

The subject line of this blog about acceptance will be very hard for some people to grasp. Acceptance is a gift you give yourself. The loss is not going to change but the way you deal with it can be. Many people become bitter and take their loss out on the world. Some just withdraw into themselves and never rejoin society. Some do manage to work through the grief and have a happy life after a time. You must remember that your loved ones would want you to be happy. Ask yourself if you were the one that had passed on, wouldn't you want your family to go on with their lives and be happy? Sure they would and you know they would in your heart.

It takes a long time to get to accept your loss. It takes work on yourself and sometimes it may even take therapy from someone who deals with the feelings of loss. When you first lose someone, you go through many stages of loss. There is everything from deep, deep sadness to denial to anger to helplessness. You have to go through each phase and if you try to skip one......look out! It will come back to bite you later on. There is no escaping all of the phases. If it is too painful to go through a certain phase, give yourself a break and wait a while. But do yourself a bigger favor and try to work through it because it won't go away. You have to face it.You may feel that if you accept it, you are saying you don't care. That is not acceptance. Acceptance is knowing you can't change something and you stop trying to change something that is impossible to change. We don't know why bad things happen. They just do.

It would be nice if something good could come out of the loss of a loved one. Many times a foundation is set up to find a cure for a disease that took someones' life one or a park is made and named after someone that has passed. Grandpa and Gommy started a scholarship fund from a golfing tournament we held, so kids from Terry and Tiffs' high-school could get a head start on a college education.

After a time, you will find that you can still enjoy things in your life. You will begin to look forward to a holiday or a special occasion that is coming up. There may be grandchildren that will fill your life with so much joy that you will have to love living again. Life is precious and should be enjoyed. I read somewhere that life is a gift and that is why it is called the 'present'.

So, Gommy says to remember to be thankful and grateful for every day you have here on this Earth. Even more so, be thankful for the wonderful years and memories you have of your loved ones. Gommy always says that she is grateful for the 17 and 22 years of pure bliss she had with Terry and Tiff. You can still make wonderful memories with the family you still have. And remember also that it is NEVER too late to "Live Happily Ever After."