Today is Gommy's step-sons twenty-sixth birthday. Happy Birthday Michael. That is what we call him now that he is a grown up man. When he was little, we called him Mikey. I first met 'Mikey' when he was two years old. He was wearing a little blue suit with a cute little bow-tie and shorts instead of long pants. He was the cutest little guy. Time flies, as they say, and he now has a little girl of his own.
The dynamic of a blended family is very complex. In Gommys' case, my children were 8, 11, and 12 and my husbands' son, Mikey, was 2. Ours was a complicated start. I was a young widow and my husband Mike was recently divorced. I think it is somehow easier on the children, if that is possible, when the parents are divorced. I say that because when a parent dies, there is more of a loyalty factor involved. I used to say that if I had even married a Rock Star, he wouldn't have been welcomed into the family any easier.
I have come to realize (you know the ole' 20/20 hindsight) that I could have handled everything much better than I did. To my defense, this was over 24 years ago and I wasn't privy to all the 'self help' books available now. There weren't as many blended families back then and there are many more resources to help families navigate those waters since the divorce rate has since sky-rocketed. When my son Terry was about 8, I can remember one of his teachers telling me she had called him up to her desk one day. This was before we lost his father in a car accident. Anyway, the teacher wanted to write me a note to send home with Terry and she asked if he had the same name as his mother. What she meant was his last name. Terry wasn't aware of divorce or loss at that time and he answered, "No, her name is Shirlee". Gommy still laughs when I think of that story.
The biggest mistake Gommy made was trying not to take sides because of the 'guilt factor'. I felt if I took the kids side, I was being disloyal to my new husband. And on the reverse side, if I were to take my husbands' side, I was being disloyal to the children. By not just letting the two 'sides' go at it themselves, I was actually prolonging the agony. Each member of the family has to work out their relationship with each other. You can't make anyone get along or like the other person. They have to do that themselves and it takes years of trusting each other and by just getting used to the whole new family. If anyone out there thinks it is all one big happy family from the very beginning......think again.
In our family's case, we all ended up loving one another but it did take several years. I have since read that the usual time for a blended family to settle in with each other is seven years. SEVEN YEARS!!!! Most people give up way before the time it takes to make it through the rough times. But anything worth having is worth working on and working out. What doesn't kill you makes you stronger......Boy, are we ever strong......I can remember saying that if I had been the one that had come into a family that had lost their parent, I would have been a 'chicken' and told my husband, "I'll see you when the kids are grown and out of the house!" I have to give my husband a lot of credit for sticking with me through all the 'stuff' he had to go through. Thank you Mike.
Anyway, all is well now and little 'Mikey' is twenty-six today. Gommy and Grandpa Mike are so blessed to have five 'blended' grandchildren and we are thankful every day for the health and happiness we all enjoy. Thank you God.
