Today is 18 years since my son Terry and daughter Tiffany were killed in a car accident. It seems like yesterday that the horrendous news of them dying burned a hole in my heart and in my life. The loss of a child is the most life altering tragedy imaginable. While you were once a mother of three….in the blink of an eye…..you are without two of your three children.
When you have children who have died…..there comes a time when there is a problem with explaining your circumstances to people when they ask, “How many children do you have?” What you want to say is that you have three children…..but in reality you have one living and two that are no longer of this earth. No matter what the circumstances…..I will always be the mother of three…. but do I dare go into a long explanation of my whole life situation? What I have come to learn over time is that the moment you say you have lost children…the other person begins to actually squirm and recoil right in front of you and you feel yourself becoming sorry for THEM. This is because you can see that they don’t have any idea of what to say after you answer what is usually quite a benign question.
But you don’t want to NOT include your other children in the picture. You still love them as much as ever. You still cherish the time you spent with them. You still wonder what they would look like today…..what music they would like…..what TV shows or movies they might like to watch. There isn’t a day that goes by that you don’t think of them in some way or have some memory of the time you did spend with them. This time of the year is always a paradox for me too, in that I used to LOVE the Fall of the year and now when I am enjoying it, the memory of the accident returns…..and it makes me wish we could just delete October 26 from all calendars.
Just the other day I went to the Mall and passed a Wet Seal clothing store. My Tiffany loved that store. Tiff was really into Fashion. So, I just smiled as I walked by and said (actually aloud, but softly enough so no one would think I was batty), “Hey Tiff….bet you’d like to be shopping in there today.” And I surely wish that I was shopping in there with her toooooo……sigh……
And every time I see someone on a motorcycle, I think of my gorgeous son Terry. He loved motorcycles. He even raced them at motorcycle track venues. YIKES…too scary for me to have watched, but he certainly did enjoy riding his 'bike'. His two children are pretty much grown now. Megan is 18 and Terry will be 20 in January. My Terry would be so proud of his kids. I can still see him carrying his Terry around when we was a baby, as if he was the first and only child ever born. His love just oozed out all over him. Now that LLT is grown…it is eerie to see how much he looks like his Dad. They are both hunky hunks…..(spoken like a true Mom and Gommy, right?). LLT is planning on going into the Army and becoming an Airborne Ranger, just like his Dad. Terry never had the opportunity to meet Megan because he died before he could see her. But he would be super proud of her as well. She is a sweetheart, funny like her Dad, a caring human being, a very smart girl and a beauty all wrapped up in one special ‘package’.
So, do I miss my beautiful children? You bet I do. But I have the most wonderful memories of the special times we shared that all I have to do is close my eyes and relive them, any time I want (and I want A LOT….and often!). Do I still grieve? Yes, but not in the cloying way when we first learned of their accident. I will always grieve but I am also very grateful for having had them in my life. Do I wish I could see their beautiful faces again or hear their sweet voice call me Mom again…..ahhhh…..yes, yes, yes!!! But there is a saying that goes, ‘Don’t cry because it ended….smile because it happened.’ Boy, is that ever a truism. I would not trade one single minute of the awesome times we shared. I read a beautiful thought somewhere…it said, “Even the most exquisite silk will remain intact if you pull out a thread…..but the snag will always show.” That is how it is when we lose a member of our family. The family is still somewhat intact….but the absence is always felt. And just as poignant is the wording from an Irish Headstone: “Death leaves a heartache no one can heal, love leaves a memory no one can steal.” Amen to that!
But somehow, in the rubble of what was left of the “Me”, the me I always pictured myself as….was the crack in my awareness that led me to the beginning of knowing what life’s purpose is all about. I knew I had to stay around for my beautiful daughter Tracey and for that I am most grateful. Because she has since given me many more blessings to be thankful for in her wonderful and sweet family. And the adult friendship between a mother and a daughter that we share is extraordinary.
Several years later, I found myself facing serious financial woes from the upside down economy…. and the once again, all too familiar uncertainty of the path that my journey was leading me. But I then became aware that in losing all material wealth, and having nothing else to lose in that area of my life….that my journey was once again showing me life lessons to grow from. The realization that I have and have always had…all I need in life... and that everything that has happened to me along the way and everything that will never happen to me…..all make up ‘Me’. I still have the most amazing family and friends, whether I have material things or not. I still had been blessed with three amazing children that showed me how deep love can be. But I had to lose me (or what I thought comprised ‘me’) to find me….ironic isn’t it? I have come to learn that it takes a thunderous jolt in life to begin searching and finding your spirituality. When all is well….there is no need. I think if you speak to most people who search…..you will find that something earth shattering occurred that began their journey.
As I said, I still have so many blessings in my life. I have a great husband to share the rest of my journey with and I find comfort in that sharing. I have the most amazing daughter Tracey. She is my friend as well as my daughter. Tracey has a great husband, John and they have two beautiful children (Samantha and Brandon) who my husband and I get to spend time with and still make beautiful memories with. And my husband’s son Michael has a beautiful daughter Kyra with his fiancée Fio, who we get to see and be with and enjoy. And my Tracey is an awesome Aunt to Megan and Terry. She loves them dearly and would do anything for them. Just as Terry & Tiffany would be such a great Aunt and Uncle to Tracey’s children and to their stepbrother Michael’s daughter Kyra. Boy, time sure does march on. My son Terry’s wife Deana has stayed close to us all of these years and still keeps in touch with us. And my grown-up grands, Megan and Terry come visit when time allows in their very busy life. Life IS good!!!! Thank you God…..
Over the past year, Terry & Megan (and my daughter Tracey and I) have had the awesome opportunity of connecting with some of my Terry’s Army Ranger buddies through Facebook. It is truly amazing to see their pictures of Terry that I have never seen and read the kind words of what a special human being, friend and role model Terry was for them. Thanks guys. It means a lot to our family.
A dear friend of mine sent me an email about the word DASH the other day. The idea was that when we die, the date of our birth and the date of our death are put on a headstone. In between those two dates, is a dash. The dash represents the life of the person. All of the people, events, ups and downs and the loves of the person are in that dash. I am so very grateful that I was in the ‘DASH’ of Terry and Tiffanys’ life.
I often hear people say they tell their stories to help others who may have to face the same thing they have had to face. If my story can help any other parent who has or may still be faced with the overwhelming sadness that comes with the loss of a child, then I am glad if I helped a bit. I hope they can take away from my story that we can survive such unbelievable grief.…that there will come a time when you can think of your loved ones and smile without sobbing…. And you will eventually get to the place where you can soften that grief or perhaps replace some of it with the gratitude of having had them in your life. So, here’s to two very wonderful, special, deeply loved and very missed children…..my babies. And you will always be my babies. I love you Terry and Tiffany and I will…forever and ever. We all miss you bunches and we will never forget you! It’s another year away from you….but maybe it’s just another year closer to seeing you once again. Thank you for being a special part of my journey. Hugs & Mush, Mom
