Happy Birthday Terry. I can't believe you would be 40 today! Where did that time fly by to? I can still remember your beautiful face and that perfectly shaped and hairless head when they brought you to me in the hospital on the day you were born. Are you sure it was 40 years ago? Hmmmmmm, Sigh........ Gommy had been born with a mop-head full of black hair and when they brought you to me, with that blond peach fuzz on your head.....I was taken aback. I asked your grandmother Marilyn......did you think he (you) would have blond hair? And she told me she did because each of her five children were all blond at birth. So much for assuming, right? You also had the most beautiful crystal blue eyes. Another assumption that was wrong. I guess Goms didn't pay too much attention in Science class about dominant and recessive genes chapter. Gommy has hazelish-brown eyes and your dad had beautiful blue eyes and I guess I ASSUMED you would have dark eyes.....But beautiful blue eyes it was and you were precious.
Your formulas didn't agree with you very much and we had to be very careful after feeding you because you had something called "Projectile Vomiting"....and project it did! Wish I had breast fed and we would all have gotten a little more rest at night. You didn't sleep very much because of the PV and were awakened with your tummy wanting more to eat about every two hours. I can remember that you slept most nights in a wind-up swing. Back in the day, we didn't have automatic or battery operated swings......yours was a crank and wind it up style and we were living with your Grandma Katie and Grandpa Guy while our home was being built and I'm sure they didn't get much sleep either because after a while, I think I stripped the gears in the swing and you could hear the echoing of crank, crank, crank......every two hours all night long!
But you grew into a very busy boy and when you were six months old.....we found out that we were going to give you a sibling. Back then, we didn't have the technology to know the sex of the baby ahead of time, but we hoped for a little girl and we got our wish. You and Tracey were almost like twins. You never knew life without her and she certainly loved her brother. When you went off to school, she just wandered around the house and waited for you to come home. I really can't remember you two fighting. Maybe it is MSM......(Motherhood Selective Memory). But it seemed that you two just got along from day one of being brother and sister. When Tracey did start school, you two would go off to get the bus together, lunch boxes in hand and it was so darn cute. The first day you missed school, Tracey refused to go without you. But she did go and she made it the whole day. You had to go sit with Tracey in her classroom quite often when she got ' a feeling'. It was very nice of the teachers to understand and allow you to go and give your little sister a few minutes until she felt better. She just needed her big brother to come and sit with her a while and then she was alright. You didn't complain too much.....when I asked how your day was when you both got home from school on the days you went to sit by her, and you would just tell me, "Trace had another feeling today." But that was it. You just stated it matter of factly and it was just understood that it would be necessary from time to time. That is what I call real "Brotherly Love." And it also explains the closeness you and Tracey always shared.
Then about five years later, (we had moved to Alva by then), and your Dad and I decided to have another baby. Your sister Tiffany was born and then it seemed as if you were "The Three Musketeers". You guys used to play in the woods, ride your 3-wheelers (taking turns riding Tiff on the back when she was old enough to hang on), hunting, fishing, and playing in the playroom. That playroom was a Mothers' dream. You kids would play in there for hours upon hours. The kids in the area would come and play too and as far as my MSM remembers, there was little fighting to break up. Of course, Goms was always the type to tell you, "No tattling....don't want to hear any tattling!" So you figured out pretty early on that it wasn't going to do you any good, so you just had to find the best way to get along. I think that is better than the moms getting involved and ending up getting in an argument.....You know, the old "Not my Tommy" syndrome....
School was more of a social activity to you than any actual learning stuff.....But you did manage to pass each year and we never had any trouble from you (except in kindergarten when Mrs. Allshouse called me in for a parent/teacher meeting because you had poured your milk on some kids head). It wasn't malicious.....you just thought it was funny and you'd do anything to get a laugh!
When your Dad died, we all were in shock and I don't know what I would have done without my three precious children to fill up my life and give me a reason to go on. It is a very scary thing to be left with three children to raise on your own. Going back to work, after having the luxury of staying home since marrying is a traumatic experience. Now days, I would probably be put in jail because I had to let you be alone until I got off work each day. We lived WAY out in the country and there was no one close to watch you guys after you got home from school until I could get back from work. You had to fend for yourselves for a couple of hours each day. There were a couple of families in the area and I know bad news travels fast if something would have happened but looking back, I can see that 'something and someone' was watching out for us because everything and everyone was okay and nothing bad happened while I was away. Except the day Tiff called me at work crying hysterically and I thought something had happened to you guys and when she finally calmed down enough, she said that her precious dog Toto had been bitten by a snake in the creek by our home and died. That was soooooo heart breaking. Wasn't it bad enough to lose your Dad? We all cried and cried and hugged and snuggled when I got home that day and we had a very nice burial for our beloved pet.
Gommy has been so Blessed throughout my life. I was sent two very wonderful men to share my life with (parts of my life with) and the three best children ever born. I ran across a poem recently and it explained how I feel when I think of all of you and the 'gifts' I have been given in my lifetime:
"You've no idea how hard I've looked for a gift to bring You. Nothing seemed right. What's the point of bringing gold to the gold mine, or water to the Ocean. Everything I came up with was like taking spices to the Orient. It's no good giving you my heart and my soul because you already have these." All three of my children make me feel this way!! Is that a Blessing or what???
When you and Tiff were taken from us, it was almost as if nothing made any sense any longer. Why didn't even begin to explain how we were feeling when we got the word of the accident that took you and ripped our lives apart once again. This time though, there was a mother's aching somewhere inside of me that cannot be put into words. Nor can it ever be erased. My babies, my babies.....noooooo this can't be. Tracey and I clung to each other and cried and cried until there was only dry sobbing left. We went for walks on the beach....silent walks where we just held each other and remembered.............Tracey was so lonely......you were her other half.....and Tiff was her student and sweet little sister. She had taught Tiff in our little playroom, all of her ABC's, her numbers and everything a child could teach her sister to be ready for kindergarten. Tiff would balk at times, but she did listen to her 'teacher' and was way ahead of the game when she started school. Tiff tested out to be at the seven year/seven month level when she was only five years old and starting school. The school board even wanted your Dad and me to allow her to skip kindergarten. But after careful thought, we decided it would be better for Tiff to always be ahead of the class instead of always trying to catch up.....It was a good decision because Tiff would have graduated with honors, had she made it to her graduation. Good job Trace! We were given Tiff's diploma, honors and the yearbook that was dedicated to her posthumously at the awards ceremony at her high school.
Then you graduated from high school and informed us that you were going to go into the Army. Geesh....didn't see that coming. But you were determined and you did go into the service. You excelled in the Army and eventually became an Airborne Ranger....One of the toughest accomplishments to achieve in military service. In between all of this, you married and had a little boy named Terry. You could see the love oozing out of you every time you held that little guy. After a time, you were to become the father of a little girl who sadly, you never got to meet. She was only 3 days old when you and Tiff were taken from us in that horrible car accident. But I know you can somehow see all of us and I know you love your daughter as much as you love LT (little Terry). Megan has your sense of humor and LT is a very compassionate and sweet young man who wants to go into the military just like you did. Several of your friends have 'friended' your children on this new thingy called FACEBOOK. I don't know if you would be on this social site but I know Tiff would be lovin' it.....Believe it or not though.....you and Tiff have been on Facebook. We have pictures of you two on several friend sites. Isn't that amazing???? And your Ranger Buddies talk to Terry and Megan all the time. They have told me some pretty nice things about you too. You make a Momma proud Son......I found a bunch of papers after the accident and you never told me how many honors you received while in the military. Nice and modest....how very 'Terry' of you !!!! And it is so weird to hear your kids now liking some of the same music you loved. Good music is generational I guess.
I feel your and Tiff's presence with me all the time. I feel the other loved ones presence that have passed too, but there is a stronger feeling with you two. Guess it is a mother's love and the unbreakable bond between child and mother that connects us forever. My love has only grown for you all over these past seventeen years since you left us. But it has also allowed me to find something in myself that had been missing all these years. I have developed a spiritual side to myself and I feel closer to God too. I guess you have to go through some pretty bad stuff before you find a different path to take. I began searching and searching after I lost you. I always knew there was a God....cause I used to cuss him all the time for taking you from me.....But in time, I realized that God didn't take you.....stuff just happens and we have to go on. It is how you go on that decides how the rest of your time on Earth is going to be.
You would be proud of your old Mom now days. I came across a poem from a very wise man from back in the 13th Century. His name is Rumi and he wrote a very wonderful poem about how you should make your own decisions of how you are going to live. It is called "Be With Those Who Help Your Being: and it goes like this : "Be with those who help your being. Don't sit with indifferent people, who's breath comes cold out of their mouths. Not these visible forms, your work is deeper. A chunk of dirt thrown into the air breaks into pieces. If you don't try to fly, and so break yourself apart, you will be broken open by death, when it is too late for all you could become. Leaves turn yellow. The tree puts out fresh roots and makes them green. Why are you so content with a love that turns you yellow?". That is how your mom has changed since you and I were last together. I have learned that it is alright to question, to speak up, to agree to disagree......We have to live while we have the chance. And it doesn't matter if anyone else agrees with how you are living. As long as you are okay with it.....it is the right way for you. We only get to live one life....our own....no one else should live our life for us.
So now you would be 40 and we have missed your beautiful spirit, your voice, your humor, and your compassion for too many years. And as your mother.....I have missed your love. I know how much you loved me....and I know you know how much I love you. We will be together again some day. Can't say I know in what form or where or anything else......I just know. In the meantime....I will enjoy our meetings and our talks that I have with you and Tiff each day still. Happy Birthday Son....LOVE YOU ALWAYS AND FOREVER, YOUR MOMMY - KISS, KISS.....MUAHHHH
