Goms title is a little play on the Christmas song, "Let it Snow'...(just in case you didn't get the irony). We have just enjoyed our Thanksgiving Day festivities and Goms was wondering how everyone in families all across the country did with the yearly get-together this time. Each year we hear of wonderful times spent with friends and family but we also hear dreadful stories of 'times gone bad' at these annual functions. They even make movies about the 'dysfunctional family' holiday fiasco's!
Goms hopes all went well but in case it didn't, Goms will give a few things to think about before the next biggie holiday approaches.....Christmas.....for some, Chanukah for some and Kwanza for others. It seems that childhood baggage is usually the culprit when it comes to the hostilities that ensue and disrupt what was supposed to be a beautiful time together. Either brother Jim still resents brother Bob for being the 'favorite', or sister Sue still can't get over sister Mary having to always be right. Or Mom still has to tell us what we should be doing or what we have done wrong with the kids, (in her estimation anyway.) Dad was probably his usual non-committal self who just wanted to eat and then watch football.
On the 'rightness' issue, it turns out that some people just 'have' to be right, no matter what.... there just isn't any 'in between' with them. Those people are the 'black OR white' folks. For the other people on the opposite side of the discussion, who have those same issues.....it isn't so pleasant to be in the middle of the 'this ain't going anywhere' argument.
Some people don't seem to have a problem with agreeing to disagree because they can clearly live with a gray area. Everyone has their own 'set-point' of emotions, be it; anxiety, neatness, moodiness, etc. That is the 'biology' of being right. On the 'psychology' side of the coin is the reality that when you just can't be wrong and you have to defend your 'rightness' to the end.....it is actually your self-esteem that you are defending and a realization that you want 'control' over yourself and your emotions. We 'become' controlling from experiences in our childhood. Were our parents always fighting? Did you feel they were going to break up and you didn't know what to do with that emotion? Did Mom or Dad really love Susie more than me? Was I pretty or handsome enough? If you didn't like your 'world' at that developmental stage, you started trying to 'control' or change the outcome for yourself so you could be comfortable 'with' that emotion.
Goms thinks the people who didn't have many struggles as a child seem to do better with being okay with not being 'right' all the time. If you were an only child, at least you didn't have the sibling rivalry to contend with. But, you could face some new challenge later in life that you weren't prepared for that forces you to become controlling. Like, say a husband that is controlling and since you aren't used to 'sharing'....you start to control your surroundings with being a clean freak or some other malady. But, sooner or later, you are going to 'blowwwww' if you just keep everything inside.
But the good news is that you don't have to stay in either role forever. You don't have to be the one that is always giving in or the one that is being the 'relationship bully'. If you are the bully, you should ask yourself......"how is this working out for me?" If you have any INsight....you may just want to temper your bulliness before you push everyone away. Do you want to be right all the time or do you want to be happy? Conversely, if you are the 'Doris-Doormat', you may want to speak up about how you don't appreciate having to give in to every issue that comes up.
Now, if you are in a 'fix my self-mode' sort of mind-frame....you can start using your 'filter' when issues come up (and they will come up) and you can refrain from immediately jumping in to 'prove' you are right. Even old dogs can learn new tricks if we really WANT to. And it won't be easy if you are the Doris Doormat to be heard at first either. People have been conditioned to seeing you as not 'having' and opinion. You will probably have to think of ways to interject what you are feeling that don't make the bully act in a reflexive and defensive way. You could suggest rephrasing the statement your partner (or relative) said because you didn't understand what they said or maybe say something like, "I don't think we are talking about the same thing. Maybe we aren't hearing what either of us is really saying."
When we can begin to realize that the reaction we receive from someone is really part 'their' emotional stuff and part 'our' emotional stuff and that we are just reliving the trauma that we never learned how to compartmentalize.....we will be all the better for understanding where everyone (including ourselves) is coming from!!!!!
So there, maybe this will help to make the Christmas or Chaunakah or Kwanza or any other faith get togethers a little less stressful for those that dread the annual festivities with family. For everyone else who does enjoy the holidays......BRING IT ON!!!! Let the fun begin......It really is much more pleasant to enjoy the time together and not just wish we could. Hugs and Mush, Gommy ((*.*))
