Good Sunday to all.....Gommy and Grandpa Mike were very fortunate to be the guests at a very wonderful and inspirational event yesterday. It was the Athletes in Action Annual Superbowl Breakfast. Beyond seeing many 'larger than life' super-stars of sports, we were graced with inspirational speeches by some of these 'larger than life' stars.
Most of us think of sports figures as mere conduits for the entertainment of their fans. But it was quite evident yesterday that the road to greatness is often paved with many pot holes and fender benders, if I may use the car analogy on the road to life. I use the car analogy because the great quarterback, Kurt Warner, used that analogy while giving his acceptance speech in receiving the coveted Bart Starr award. While he was speaking, it was clear that he didn't just 'become' the great man he had turned in to eventually. He explained that when he met his wife, he was a believer in God, but only called on God when he 'needed' Him. His then girlfriend Brenda, who later became his wife, and he had many discussions about their beliefs. It took much soul searching and many 'discussions' before he came to realize that we should know and appreciate that God is with us at all times of our lives and not just when things are circling the drain.
That got Gommy to thinking about how our ideas, feelings, outlooks and our mindset can change to be so drastically different with time and self-discovery. Many times the change is for the good of us and everyone around us, if we just allow ourselves to have open minds about the important things in our lives.
Gommy feels the major contributing factor in not changing may be if we are too much in the grip of being a 'control freak'. Now, no one wants to admit they are a 'control freak'......but there are several tell- tale signs. You may even know a control freak, work with a control freak, be married to a control freak and even, God forbid, BE a control freak.
Gommy can speak on this subject because Gommy WAS a control freak at one time in my life. Being able to see this personality flaw in myself and analyzing why it became a part of who I was, allows Gommy to speak on the subject, first hand. My own compulsion manifested in being a 'clean freak' and in trying to be perfect at everything at all times. I could mop up a floor while people were still seated in their chairs and their conversation might not miss a beat, or so I thought. Gommy could wash and dry a coffee cup as soon as it touched the saucer of a guest. Company for dinner that included 100 people....no problem. Just keep your head down, keep going at all cost to hospitality and make sure everything seems PERFECT.
Gommy once gave a shower for a neighbor and although everything 'seemed' to be beautiful and 'perfect', one of the guests called Goms a 'shower Nazi'. Boy, did that hurt! But you know something? She was right. I was so concerned that everything was 'perfect', I wasn't allowing for a free-flowing and easy, fun time to be had by everyone. God forbid that the games weren't played and enjoyed by everyone at exactly the perfect time in the soiree, or that the guests were duly impressed with the gala I had planned.
That may be the first glimpse Goms had of 'maybe it wasn't all so perfect after all'...... if the guests weren't enjoying themselves as I thought they should be, maybe there were other parts of my life that weren't as perfect as I thought I was making them. What a wake-up call and how grateful I am that a person who I didn't even know, gave me such a gift of awareness for my future. Goms knows it was a wake-up call because the compulsive cleaning???? Not anymore, Gommy is healed!!!! Now, if the table has dust on it, Gommy just writes in the dust....."Gommy was here!" LOL
Now, for a peek into how this disorder may have started in the first place for Gommy, let Goms show the reasons Gommy became soooooo self-absorbed in controlling things in my life; as a child and as a young married person, Gommy was never in control of anything. Yes, I said ANYTHING. My mom, though she loved me beyond imagination, was a "Large-Marge and in Charge" person at any and all expense. Then, being married at the ripe age of nineteen, my late husband took up the reins of controlling my life. Cleaning (but in a manic way) and being 'perfect' were the only ways Goms felt in control of anything. Goms never looked up to see if anyone was noticing and no one did say anything until about ten years after becoming a widow, as referenced in the preceding paragraph.
First, let's explain the two types of Control Freaks. But to make sure we are all on the same page about this subject, let Gommy explain that both types are the result of anxiety and the process used to calm that anxiety, for whatever reason the person has the anxiety to begin with. The first type is the 'self-absorbed' control freak (that was Gommy's type). This type of person is strictly trying to cope with their own anxieties. They just want to feel better and don't even realize other people are even around some of the time. This can manifest in being a 'clean freak', over orderly, obsessive -compulsiveness, moodiness,....and on and on.
The second type of control freak is the 'aggressive control freak'. They are also trying to manage their anxiety but make no mistake, they are VERY aware of you and usually have to diminish you in some capacity to ease their own anxiety. This type of 'control freak' not only wants to diminish you, they want to defeat you, thus making them feel superior. But don't take their actions personally, they are not trying to actually 'hurt' you, they are just trying to protect themselves. They usually become the head of their Community POA board, run for politics, or become the PTA president, so they can be sure their little corner of the world is run correctly.....and of course, only they know how it should be run!
Even though it is quite normal to expect to control our own lives, it becomes a personality disorder when we want to control the lives of other people as well. Remember the saying, "It isn't selfish to live your life the way you want. It is selfish to want others to live the way you want to live your life." Being a control freak causes a lot of tension in relationships and it isn't very enjoyable to be around a control freak. Control freaks mostly have the same personality traits, i.e. perfectionism, orderliness to a fault, criticism, workaholics, eating disordered, and the fear of letting anyone else be in charge for fear that they won't do it right, so the control freak just does it themselves, (Gommy had that one too).....It really boils down to the control freak feeling if they are in charge of everything, they won't be exposed for their anxieties, anger and insecurities about their own frailties. But as time wears on, it become evident that it is very tedious to be doing it all by yourself and then resentments start to take over that no one else is helping.....DUH, you didn't let them help did you??? And it is much easier to let the control freak do everything isn't it????
The bottom line in dealing with control freaks is to slow down......force them to 'look' at the situation and by doing so, you keep control of yourself in the situation or confrontation. Stay calm at all costs. Control freaks tend to create much tension in those around them, so if you can stay calm, it may relax them as well. You must remember though that they are master (or mistress) manipulators so you have to stay on guard around them at all times. Also, if they are degrading you, try to remember the old Maxim, "Those that demand the most, give the least." and that 'no one can make your feel bad about yourself without your permission'. It is also helpful to realize that the people who are the most loud, bossy and obnoxious are really the most insecure people you know.
So, Gommy hopes this sheds a light on a very common personality type that many of us know or have ourselves or have had in the past. It is sometimes helpful to examine, think on and try to analyze why we do certain things. It can help us also to understand a friend, a spouse, a sibling, a child, a co-worker and even ourselves. If we can get to the root of our insecurities, we have begun the process of healing ourselves. Keep searching boys and girls....we are all a work in progress. It is much easier to be calm, cool and collected if we realize that many other fellow humans are in the same boat with us.....and they are all just trying to protect themselves from being exposed.....
Gommy even has times when I 'fall out of the boat' and if I can just remain calm and sensible and not become defensive, and try to examine the criticism I may be receiving, and find the root of the behavior I am exhibiting (Whew!)..... I can usually figure out where the problem started in the first place and resolve any misunderstanding on my part and mend the problem or disagreement at hand. Yes......I warned you that it is work! But well worth the effort. Goms promises.
Have a great week everyone....and remember, Goms is pulling for you. Hugs and Mush, Gommy
Most of us think of sports figures as mere conduits for the entertainment of their fans. But it was quite evident yesterday that the road to greatness is often paved with many pot holes and fender benders, if I may use the car analogy on the road to life. I use the car analogy because the great quarterback, Kurt Warner, used that analogy while giving his acceptance speech in receiving the coveted Bart Starr award. While he was speaking, it was clear that he didn't just 'become' the great man he had turned in to eventually. He explained that when he met his wife, he was a believer in God, but only called on God when he 'needed' Him. His then girlfriend Brenda, who later became his wife, and he had many discussions about their beliefs. It took much soul searching and many 'discussions' before he came to realize that we should know and appreciate that God is with us at all times of our lives and not just when things are circling the drain.
That got Gommy to thinking about how our ideas, feelings, outlooks and our mindset can change to be so drastically different with time and self-discovery. Many times the change is for the good of us and everyone around us, if we just allow ourselves to have open minds about the important things in our lives.
Gommy feels the major contributing factor in not changing may be if we are too much in the grip of being a 'control freak'. Now, no one wants to admit they are a 'control freak'......but there are several tell- tale signs. You may even know a control freak, work with a control freak, be married to a control freak and even, God forbid, BE a control freak.
Gommy can speak on this subject because Gommy WAS a control freak at one time in my life. Being able to see this personality flaw in myself and analyzing why it became a part of who I was, allows Gommy to speak on the subject, first hand. My own compulsion manifested in being a 'clean freak' and in trying to be perfect at everything at all times. I could mop up a floor while people were still seated in their chairs and their conversation might not miss a beat, or so I thought. Gommy could wash and dry a coffee cup as soon as it touched the saucer of a guest. Company for dinner that included 100 people....no problem. Just keep your head down, keep going at all cost to hospitality and make sure everything seems PERFECT.
Gommy once gave a shower for a neighbor and although everything 'seemed' to be beautiful and 'perfect', one of the guests called Goms a 'shower Nazi'. Boy, did that hurt! But you know something? She was right. I was so concerned that everything was 'perfect', I wasn't allowing for a free-flowing and easy, fun time to be had by everyone. God forbid that the games weren't played and enjoyed by everyone at exactly the perfect time in the soiree, or that the guests were duly impressed with the gala I had planned.
That may be the first glimpse Goms had of 'maybe it wasn't all so perfect after all'...... if the guests weren't enjoying themselves as I thought they should be, maybe there were other parts of my life that weren't as perfect as I thought I was making them. What a wake-up call and how grateful I am that a person who I didn't even know, gave me such a gift of awareness for my future. Goms knows it was a wake-up call because the compulsive cleaning???? Not anymore, Gommy is healed!!!! Now, if the table has dust on it, Gommy just writes in the dust....."Gommy was here!" LOL
Now, for a peek into how this disorder may have started in the first place for Gommy, let Goms show the reasons Gommy became soooooo self-absorbed in controlling things in my life; as a child and as a young married person, Gommy was never in control of anything. Yes, I said ANYTHING. My mom, though she loved me beyond imagination, was a "Large-Marge and in Charge" person at any and all expense. Then, being married at the ripe age of nineteen, my late husband took up the reins of controlling my life. Cleaning (but in a manic way) and being 'perfect' were the only ways Goms felt in control of anything. Goms never looked up to see if anyone was noticing and no one did say anything until about ten years after becoming a widow, as referenced in the preceding paragraph.
First, let's explain the two types of Control Freaks. But to make sure we are all on the same page about this subject, let Gommy explain that both types are the result of anxiety and the process used to calm that anxiety, for whatever reason the person has the anxiety to begin with. The first type is the 'self-absorbed' control freak (that was Gommy's type). This type of person is strictly trying to cope with their own anxieties. They just want to feel better and don't even realize other people are even around some of the time. This can manifest in being a 'clean freak', over orderly, obsessive -compulsiveness, moodiness,....and on and on.
The second type of control freak is the 'aggressive control freak'. They are also trying to manage their anxiety but make no mistake, they are VERY aware of you and usually have to diminish you in some capacity to ease their own anxiety. This type of 'control freak' not only wants to diminish you, they want to defeat you, thus making them feel superior. But don't take their actions personally, they are not trying to actually 'hurt' you, they are just trying to protect themselves. They usually become the head of their Community POA board, run for politics, or become the PTA president, so they can be sure their little corner of the world is run correctly.....and of course, only they know how it should be run!
Even though it is quite normal to expect to control our own lives, it becomes a personality disorder when we want to control the lives of other people as well. Remember the saying, "It isn't selfish to live your life the way you want. It is selfish to want others to live the way you want to live your life." Being a control freak causes a lot of tension in relationships and it isn't very enjoyable to be around a control freak. Control freaks mostly have the same personality traits, i.e. perfectionism, orderliness to a fault, criticism, workaholics, eating disordered, and the fear of letting anyone else be in charge for fear that they won't do it right, so the control freak just does it themselves, (Gommy had that one too).....It really boils down to the control freak feeling if they are in charge of everything, they won't be exposed for their anxieties, anger and insecurities about their own frailties. But as time wears on, it become evident that it is very tedious to be doing it all by yourself and then resentments start to take over that no one else is helping.....DUH, you didn't let them help did you??? And it is much easier to let the control freak do everything isn't it????
The bottom line in dealing with control freaks is to slow down......force them to 'look' at the situation and by doing so, you keep control of yourself in the situation or confrontation. Stay calm at all costs. Control freaks tend to create much tension in those around them, so if you can stay calm, it may relax them as well. You must remember though that they are master (or mistress) manipulators so you have to stay on guard around them at all times. Also, if they are degrading you, try to remember the old Maxim, "Those that demand the most, give the least." and that 'no one can make your feel bad about yourself without your permission'. It is also helpful to realize that the people who are the most loud, bossy and obnoxious are really the most insecure people you know.
So, Gommy hopes this sheds a light on a very common personality type that many of us know or have ourselves or have had in the past. It is sometimes helpful to examine, think on and try to analyze why we do certain things. It can help us also to understand a friend, a spouse, a sibling, a child, a co-worker and even ourselves. If we can get to the root of our insecurities, we have begun the process of healing ourselves. Keep searching boys and girls....we are all a work in progress. It is much easier to be calm, cool and collected if we realize that many other fellow humans are in the same boat with us.....and they are all just trying to protect themselves from being exposed.....
Gommy even has times when I 'fall out of the boat' and if I can just remain calm and sensible and not become defensive, and try to examine the criticism I may be receiving, and find the root of the behavior I am exhibiting (Whew!)..... I can usually figure out where the problem started in the first place and resolve any misunderstanding on my part and mend the problem or disagreement at hand. Yes......I warned you that it is work! But well worth the effort. Goms promises.
Have a great week everyone....and remember, Goms is pulling for you. Hugs and Mush, Gommy
