Gommy would like for all of us to start being kinder this year. And that means starting with being kinder to ourselves. You know, we are some pretty good stuff here. We are mothers and fathers and daughters and sons and Gommies and Grandpas and sisters and brothers and people who hold down careers (if we are among the lucky ones with jobs), and we should be able to feel good about ourselves.
But, it appears that many of us are searching for more out of life and some of us are downright unhappy! The real secret to happiness is to be grateful for what we do have. I know...I know....you are thinking, "Here comes that old grateful speech again!". But, Goms doesn't feel that everyone is on the same page when it comes to realizing that..... to receive happiness....we first have to be grateful for the things we DO have. And when we go down that road of thinking that we are a lesser this or that because 'someone' else doesn't agree with how we live, dress, appear, think.....we start hopping on the 'OOPS.....I'm not enough Train'.
We have to remember that there is nothing that is ever going to change the 'we' or 'who' that we are, just by another persons' opinion of us. We don't need someone elses' approval to lead our lives. Unless someone is paying our bills.....they don't get to tell us to live in a way that makes THEM feel more comfortable. However, there is an exception to this rule. If we are married, we do have to take into account how the other person factors into the daily machinations of life together.
Let Goms 'splain a little further.....the significant other that we are sharing our life with, does have a say in how they want to live their life too.....but not to the point of extinguishing our own wishes on how we would like to live. This is where compromise comes into play. We don't have to think exactly alike, but we do have to consider the other person, who we are sharing this life experience with. But, not to the exclusion of having something to say about how we live tooooooo! We are all individuals. We have different likes, dislikes, ideals, etc. It would be peachy if we could all agree on everything that comes down the pike. But......sorry kiddos....that isn't always the case. Sometimes, we have to just agree to disagree. And there is absolutely nothing wrong with that. To each his/her own. Gommy has always said if there is never an argument....only one person is doing the thinking!!!!!
But in marriage...if we are too far apart in how we 'see' things...problems erupt. The thing that usually works is to take a pause in the disagreement/fight/eruption.....and think about whatever is causing the disagreement. Maybe it is that you feel your spouse/or equivalent is not respecting you. Then, you must talk about this when you are both in a place where you will be able to 'hear'....not merely 'listen'....to the other side. There is a HUGE difference. Listening is like....blah, blah, blah.....yada.....yada....yada. You don't really want to hear what is coming out of the other persons mouth. Hearing, is actually empathizing with where the other person is 'coming from'. You don't have to agree....but you should 'listen AND hear' why they are feeling the way they do.
Another biggie in marriage is the dynamic of the relationship. There may be a bully and a victim pattern going on in the marriage. This pattern is set in place by one person doing the yelling and the other person taking it. Not a good scenario. But to stop that pattern.....you have to diffuse the bully and change the game plan. Now you may be saying...there shouldn't be any game playing in a marriage. Gommys' answer to that is.....'GROW UP!'. There is always character-playing in any life situation. There is the damsel in distress to the macho-macho man.....there is the provider and the provided for....there is the two-income earners who think they are equal but are always trying to prove a one-upmanship (or one-up-womans-ship- tee,hee), there is the employer and employee, etc. If anyone out there in blogland thinks most humans don't measure EVERYTHING in their life by comparing themselves to any number of other variables.....again, Goms says....'WAKE-UP PEEPS'. It is just the nature of the beast. But the tricky part is to not get wrapped up in caring too much about the other person's opinion of us. As long as we are doing the right thing, for the right reasons, we have to respect ourselves... for self-preservation.
But we must also not make the mistake of reading into things, that which is not there. As the great poet Ralph Waldo Emerson wrote, "Let me never fall into the vulgar mistake of dreaming that I am persecuted whenever I am contradicted!"
But, back to how do you change the dynamic....(if that is what you are aiming for)? Dig deep into the reasons 'why' each person feels so strongly about whatever is causing the chasm. There is usually a deep-seated vulnerability lurking in the subconscious that becomes the Hulk when that button is pushed. It is well worth looking into if you find the same arguments coming up all the time. As Einstein said....'The definition of insanity is to keep doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different outcome.' In other words......like Gommy says..DUH!!!
So, how about we think about the last fight that we had that was like a record that was stuck on deja vu'. (For those youngsters out there...a record player is a device for reproducing sound that has been recorded as a spiral, undulating groove on a disk using a turntable, a stylus and a needle on a tone arm. lol) Anywho....think about the subject that keeps coming up....then try to discover what about that subject is so volatile to you (or your partner). Then try to find out why it is still bugging you. And once you figure it out and come to terms with it in your own mind and relay it to your partner....so they don't keep pushing that hot button.....Voila'...you may just be able to erase that problem from your relationship. Oh, and about that other stuff about caring what other people think....try what Gommy does....Goms never cares about someone elses opinion that Goms doesn't respect herself....works for Gommy! ;D
You can do it boys and girls. Just dig....then dig down some more until you uncover and expose the dirty little bugger. It's under there. Set it free once and for all. Kum Bah Ya!!! Hugs & Mush - Gommy
