It has been a week since Goms has blogged....but it had been a very a good week. Lots of time spent with great friends and family. Can't get much better than that.....
This week though, Goms wants to talk about the damage we can do to our children just by loving them too much. Yes, Goms said loving them TOO much. There comes a time when we, as parents, must face the stark reality that we can do our children a very big disservice when we 'over parent' them. Simply put, over parenting is not allowing your children to fail at ANYTHING. That may sound harsh, but if your child is never allowed to fail as they develop and when they are no longer receiving 'high-fives' for everything they do, they are in for a big surprise when they do finally grow up.
It seems that the children of today are protected from facing even the smallest of disappointments. Even in sports, there are no winners or losers any longer......just participants. The psychology behind that way of thinking is that the child's psyche may get bruised if they 'lose' at a game and their self-esteem will be harmed. Gommy thinks more than their psyche will get bruised if they don't know how to handle disappointments in life. They will get beaten up, eaten up and spit out by society if they can't handle rejection, disappointments and the bumps that will almost certainly come along the road of life.
Parents can start buffering the way for their child when they are quite young. For example, when your child is small, say 3 or 4 years old, and they want a certain ice-cream flavor.....then they don't want it once they get it.....THAT is a perfect time to teach them that although you realize that they aren't 'happy' with the flavor they chose, it is indeed a choice THEY made and the next time, they can be more careful about their 'choice'. Believe me, something as seemingly small as that scenario is enough to introduce the thought process of 'consequences for choices'. It directly affects them, so they will 'get it'...and the next time they will think about their choice more carefully.
The same goes for giving your child an allowance. If they have to buy what they want with their own money, they will be much more selective than when mom or dad is forking over the moolah. And don't supplement them with more money if what they want is more than their allowance. They should 'save up' for what they want and they will treasure it more......What a concept!!!!! Parents, Gommy promises these small ways you teach your little ones will help them when they are older and they can be making much more serious mistakes with the choices they make as teens.
As children are growing and developing, parents should be there to guide their children in the right direction and be observers of how they are handling situations, choices, their frienships and how they react to different circumstances. The children must be allowed to think for themselves or they will never know how to think or solve problems when mommy and daddy are no longer around. Some parents are the type to jump in between any little spat their child may be having with another child. They should instead allow their child to solve their differences themselves. Tattling is a way that little children try to draw in their parents to their little spats. When they realize that the parent isn't going to be the 'referee', they lose interest in being a tattletale. Tattling carries over into adulthood for some people. If they enjoyed the attention they received by tattling and the drama that they could initiate, they will continue to be the sort of adult who continually 'stirs the pot' in their families, their work place and everywhere they go. We end up working with or working FOR these people sometimes, or heaven forbid, marrying this same sort of person!!!!
When our children are older we should really BACK-OFF from being the 'safety net' for our children. If the parent is always getting their child out of trouble or covering up for their child's lack of 'follow-through' with their schoolwork, their jobs or any of the other responsibilities they have, the child will always lack the skills to act in a mature and responsible manner. This is a major problem when the child is making harmful decisions like drugs, drinking and driving, getting speeding tickets, etc..... When a parents' child is caught doing something horrific, they sometimes want to cover it up and get the child out of the predicament. The parent feels they have failed and this puts the spotlight directly on their parenting or lack thereof, and they don't want to be embarassed. Gommy wants to tell you right now that embarassment is the least of your problems......the agony and guilt of realizing that your child was not given the correct guidance to know how to handle themselves is much more traumatic. So, let them know you will not back them up if they make wrong choices. You will not be their safety net....you love them too much to let them ruin their lives with poor choices. Oh....and let Gommy add that they will continue to love you if you act as a parent and not as a friend. Sometimes, they are even begging for some perameters and guidance......
There is nothing more satisfying than to see your child grow into a capable, happy adult who is raising their own family in a way that will assure another generation of fine, upstanding adults for the future of us all.
Soooooooooooooo, Gommy's advice for parents today is to let your child make little mistakes and let them figure out for themselves how to make better choices the next time they are faced with a problem. Steer your children in the right direction and guide them along lifes' pathway while they are young and impressionable.....it is too late when they are older and can become careless or even defiant about their life choices. You are only hurting them in the grand scheme of things by over parenting and over protecting them. Don't wait until the problems you will have to cover up are very big fiascoes or can cause the unthinkable for any parent....the death of their child from a poor decision they have made!!!! Good luck out there to all you mommys and daddys. Gommy is pulling for you. Hugs and Mush, Gommy
