Stuck?

Have you ever wondered how some people ‘seemingly’ go through life without a care in the world, while others seem stuck in some time warp of pain? I have sometimes wondered if 'they' are careless or they just care (less). Some of us don’t even realize we are stuck. But the reality is that many of us do have issues, or in today’s vernacular, it is referred to as ‘emotional baggage’. Emotional baggage can be caused by trying to fast forward over a painful time, but we actually end up carrying it around with us for a lifetime.

Our emotional baggage comes from our life journey. It may be from a traumatic experience, the loss of a loved one, or any situation that was not healed at that particular juncture of our ‘life experience’. A wound does not heal if we leave any dirt or residue in the cut…and it will eventually fester. So too, will our emotional wounds refuse to heal if we don’t ‘clean them out’ as well. Much like the famed author and poet Henry Thoreau pointed to in his quote, "There are a thousand hacking at the branches of evil to one who is striking at the root."…it can be pointed to our emotional baggage as well, that if we do not get to the ‘root’ of the pain….it will eventually ‘fester’ or manifest in any number of ways that affect our ‘now’.

Emotional baggage can also be likened to a diseased heart. New branches will actually grow from the heart to make up for clogged arteries, so they can bring blood to where it is needed in the body. But the reality is that there is still a problem with the heart for these branches to have manifested. In this way, our past takes us along different paths trying to keep us going forward, and all the while we are forgetting the reason for the detours.

Some wounds will heal in time on their own, but others will just keep us ‘stuck’ in that moment. If you want to get ‘unstuck’, you must revisit that memory and make peace with it or it will continue to interfere with your present time of life. And you are the only one who can heal the broken part where you are emotionally stuck. You must make peace with it, and to do that you have to accept ‘what is’. You don’t have to like it, condone it or want it to have happened….but you have to accept that it did happen and realize nothing is going to change the fact that it did happen.

The tricky part is that you must be brutally honest with yourself and be willing to take off your emotional armor and/or the protective shell that you have been carrying around all these years. If you find that it is too painful to revisit…you will learn that the ‘pain’ is very persistent in wanting to be cleansed and it is also quite patient in waiting for you to ‘deal’ with it. It is much like housework that you don’t feel like doing, or the pile of work on your desk. They will still be there when you get around to cleaning up. It doesn’t just magically disappear. And you will also find that it is constantly nagging you in the back of your mind until you do tend to it. But the trade-off for waiting for you to ‘deal’….is that you will feel stress, unhappiness, discontent, and DIS-ease.

Just as when we clear a path in an overgrown forest to take a walk, or tidy up our closet or clean up that junk drawer, we feel so good when look at a job well done and everything feels cleaner and brighter and easier to navigate. Making a clear path in our life journey, will help us to realize that underneath all the ‘clutter’ is a new us…..dusted off and navigating more easily to our new tidy and awakened ‘now’. Becoming ‘awakened’ isn’t some New Age Mumbo Jumbo. It just refers to having an aha moment or many strung together, so that you see things in a different way, or that your forgive yourself or someone else for ‘whatever’, or you realize that you are still you - no matter what your past was, or whatever it is that got you ‘stuck’, has no power over you any longer. Or it can be that what you 'thought' was true for so many years....has turned on the light bulb (hence the term En-LIGHT-ened) in your consciousness, so that you are free to feel what you are feeling now.

So Short Story LONG…if you want to get unstuck from a painful time or memory from your past…do the work and you will find that you are claiming a calmer, more peaceful, happy future for yourself. And the way to do the ‘work’ is really quite simple. All you have to do is love, forgive and embrace yourself or whatever was in your excess emotional baggage scenario. Easy as pie! You can do it….Goms is pulling for ya’ Hugs & Mush- Gommy

Hello 'Me'.....

I read a quote this morning, which started me thinking…really thinking about the subject in the quote. The quote was by author Richard Bach and it was; “How much to learn if we could spend one hour… or even twenty minutes, with the us we will become! How much could we say to the us we were."

Wow, that is very profound. Just think back to when you were a young child and you were full of hopes and wishes. Then fast forward to a time that you may have made a horrible mistake or a decision that changed your life forever. Or the moment you just ‘knew’ what you wanted to do as your career path. Or when you were a teen and broke up with your first love and you thought it was the end of the world and you just couldn’t go on. Or a time you were bullied and you now realize that those mean people were really the ones who were suffering from a low self-esteem and you were the one who they may have secretly wished they could be. Or if you were the one doing the bullying….that you are so grateful that the other person didn’t take their life, as we hear so often now.

Or maybe remember a very sad time in your life where maybe you lost loved ones and you didn't know if life could ever have any color again. But you have learned that you still have people in your life who mean the world to you and you can have still have happy times with them. And life has given you grandchildren and although you still achingly miss your loved ones, you have indeed been able to be happy again. And that doesn't mean you forgot your loved ones.

How many of those things that you ‘thought’ you wanted when you were so young, would you still want today? Can you even remember that person who you thought ‘broke your heart’ and made you think that you wanted your life to be over because of the breakup? Or would you still do things the same way with your ex? Did you find that life does go on…even after the most agonizing events that may have happened to you? Would you still choose the career path that you were so sure of before you knew how it actually unfolded in your life? Maybe you feel it is too late to change that path and the realization has set in that although you aren’t completely satisfied with your choice, this is what you will be doing for the rest of your working days! What would you say to that young person…’you’….to try and influence the choices you were making, for the most important things that would shape you into you?

What would you say to yourself today, now that you know what actually did happen as your years flew by? Many would be satisfied with the roads they took….many would change some of the decisions they made and sadly, there are those who feel they would change every decision they ever made…and even worse, that they have wasted their lives.

And who would you like to spend more time with….now that they are no longer alive? Who would you like to say you are sorry to? Who would you have cherished more in your life? Who would you have not let go out of your life?

But, the thing to remember is that every decision, every twist and turn in life, is a step we made to grow….to finally become who we are. Another poignant quote by Mr. Bach tells us that this is true; "There are no mistakes. The events we bring upon ourselves, no matter how unpleasant, are necessary in order to learn what we need to learn; whatever steps we take, they're necessary to reach the places we've chosen to go."

The only mistake you can make is to not learn from the lessons we are given. But even that isn’t a real mistake. Because, there will be more lessons and more lessons if that is what you need to finally become ‘you’. It can be a painful process….or you may be a quick learner and sail through the lessons. It is up to the individual. It really is all about choices…..and realizing that you are making those choices at every turn.

So Gommy would suggest….IMHO….and for future reference….to really think about what you want for the rest of your life. It’s never too late to live happily ever after. You can do it…Gommy is pulling for ya’. Hugs & Mush, Gommy

Changes

Hello boys and girls. Grandpa Mike was out of town this week so Gommy spent a wonderful weekend with my daughter and family. It seems that these 'gifts' of time are always a cause for reflection for Goms.

When the family was all tucked in and sleeping, I enjoyed some quality 'me time' by reading a fantastic book that my daughter had left out for me. It was a book by Anne Morrow Lindberg (1906-2001) titled, Gift from the Sea.

Anne Morrow Lindberg was the wife of the famous American Aviator Charles Lindberg, who was famous for being the first person to fly solo across the Atlantic Ocean in 1927. But being Charles Lindbergs' wife isn't all she was known for. She was an aviator, in her own right, famous for being the first woman to earn a first class glider pilot license in 1930. She was also the author of several books. Anne had a special 'perspective' on the many changes we face in our lives. Turns out Anne was way ahead of her time in accomplishments and in seeing what life is really all about.

It is reported that the publication of 'Gift from the Sea' in 1955 earned her place as "one of the leading advocates of the nascent environmental movement" and became a national best seller. Nascent is a sophisticated word used to describe something new, developing, evolving, beginning, or budding....and after reading about Annes' life, it is easier to understand how she gained her perspective on life in general.

The Lindbergs also suffered a horrendous loss in their early lives together. Their baby boy was kidnapped and killed and they suffered what is still thought to be one of the most publicized crimes ever and prompted Congress to pass the Kidnapping Act, where kidnapping a victim and taking them across state lines is a Federal offense. They went on to have 5 more children.....but I am sure they always felt the missing spoke in their family wheel.

The Lindbergs were married for 45 years and Anne outlived her husband by 27 years. Their marriage had many ups and downs as well. Annes' biography states, 'Anne had a 3 year affair with her personal doctor and Charles reportedly had an affair with a woman 24 years his junior, whom he supported financially. The affair was kept secret, and only in 2003, after Anne and the mistress were both dead, did DNA testing prove that Charles had fathered the mistress's three children. One child came to suspect that Lindbergh was their father and made her suspicions public, after finding among her dead mother's effects snapshots of and letters from Charles. He is also suspected of having fathered children by a sister of his Bavarian mistress and by his personal secretary. All this may have contributed to the stoic character of Annes' later life.'

The reason for this 'preamble' on Gommys' blog today about 'Gift From the Sea' is to give a little background as to why I found this to be a truly a remarkable book. It still stands up today...some 56 years after it was written, showing that we are all pretty much the same in how we face our own realizations as our life unfolds....no matter our years, our status, our background, the place or the times in which we live. Anne lived in a different time and era, when popular belief held that the 'little woman' stayed home and raised her family and was subordinate to her husband. It is amazing that Anne broke out of the mold of her era. Her accomplishments included; being the recipient of honorary Masters and Doctor of Letters degrees from Smith College, her alma mater (1935; 1970). Anne also received honorary degrees from Amherst College (1939), the University of Rochester (1939), Middlebury College (1976), and Gustavus Adolphus College (1985). She was inducted into the National Aviation Hall of Fame, the National Women's Hall of Fame, and the Aviation Hall of Fame of New Jersey. War Within and Without, the last installment of her published diaries, received the Christopher Award.

As I was reading the words in the book, I remembered how each of my own decades were influenced by my experiences or lack thereof. With each decade we live, we form and are formed by what we are facing at that time. Gift from the Sea uses beach shells as metaphors of our life. Each shell and the shedding of that shell, representing what we need and then no longer need, at each phase of our life.

But each stepping stone is needed to reach the next phase and the tricky part is knowing when to let go of the 'shell'. It is important to be able to toggle between the two at times...but it is wise to know when to finally let go all together to be able to get to the next phase.

In our 20's and 30's, we are very caught up in accumulating. It may be material, financial, emotional, etc. But it is actually 'identification' with what we think makes us who we are. Eckhart Tolle explains life as expansion and contraction. These are movements that can also be called 'incoming and outgoing'. Much like the inhaling and exhaling of breathing....or the expansion and contraction of your heart. These movements are also reflected in our life cycles. ET says that one day we just seemingly appear into this world 'out of nowhere'. This Birth is followed by expansion of knowledge, activities, possessions, experiences, etc. Our life may be hectic or mundane but this is the time when we are mostly concerned with our 'outer' purpose. Then, as Eckhart points out, just when you think you have figured it all out.....the 'return movement' begins. Loved ones may die, your physical form weakens, your influence diminishes, beauty fades. You are basically put on the back burner of life....to make room for the newer 'incoming'. Life is beginning to contract. And one day, you too, will disappear as well. How we live our lives is how the universe experiences itself.

In our 40's, 50's, 60's and if we are lucky.....beyond.....we seem to acquire the ability to 'see' things more clearly. How ironic.....just when our opinion isn't valued as much as before. As Anne says in her book.... 'we no longer have to be the Belle of the Ball'. We are more comfortable in our own skin and we don't feel the need for constant outside approval. It is a much more relaxed way of living. Feeling you have to measure up or be approved by others is exhausting. It is at these times of our lives that we see our own children go through things we went through. It is wise to keep your opinions to yourself though....because it turns out that struggle as we may with the idea to 'show or guide' them through the rough spots....we must allow them to go through their own stages of life so they will understand it all fully and completely.

Annes' book describes something called Zerrissenheit. 'This is a term coined by William James, which he roughly translated as "torn-to-pieces-hood," a state of being broken or in disarray. To be human is to feel fractured and pulled in a dozen different directions at times. It is precisely during these times in our yearning for self-repair that we find ourselves most open to rebirth, growth, and eventually a heightened sense of spirituality we otherwise could not have reached. This begins with confronting and assimilating our shadow selves into our being. Then as we move through our emotions, we can put these pieces back together into a more full life experience, imperfections and all.'

While we are living a hectic life, or when our house is full of life with children and schedules and no time to our self, we yearn for some 'alone time'. Then during the 'outer movement' of our life.....we find that our wish has been granted and we have plenty of 'alone time'. The kids are grown and on their own and even later, your spouse may be gone. These times are harder for some than others to navigate. If we haven't planned for an 'after-life' (no...not the spooky kind)...but the kind that will fill your Golden Years with good experiences and without sadness....then you will surely find that you just can't 'let go'. It isn't called 'right of passage' for nothing.

All in all....the book demonstrates that as much as we struggle against change....change is inevitable and we MUST go through the stages of our life to understand the phases we have completed. Life is a beautiful gift for sure. Learning to navigate might just be the answer! You can do it ....Gommy is pulling for ya. (And reading the book might help you through the rough patches). Hugs & Mush - Gommy

Time

Lately, the subject of ‘time’ has been coming up a lot. Even the question IF time really exists. But that is waaaay too deep of a subject for Gommy to examine. But what Goms does know….is that whether time exists or not….those ‘spaces’ we consider to be ‘time’, is where all the good stuff happens… and it surely does seem to go by quickly.

The secret in making those spaces have the most meaning is NOT to squander them or waste them or take them for granted. Gommy often hears people say, ‘Where did the time go?’ - or a Mother exclaim that their little ones are growing up too fast. But the Mommies who are ahead of the game…are the ones who savor those precious spaces of time in their lives and enjoy them while they last.

I know for a fact, that my daughter is mindful of how fleeting that time is. She even gets sad and melancholy sometimes at the thought that her little sweeties won’t stay little for ever. Another of my Facebook Friends writes a blog about Mommy-Dom and I can gather from her wonderful writings…that she ‘gets’ it as well.

Gommy wishes there was a way to let some people in on the secret, but that isn’t how it works. Each person has to have their own light bulb moments. It’s like the old saying…’You can lead a horse to water…but you can’t make them drink.’ It is the same with telling people to ‘slow down and smell the roses’. The ones who don’t get it, are the ones who feel they don’t have the ‘time’. Uh……that is exactly the point…you have to TAKE the time to make the best memories.

We all have our memories of special occasions and Goms bets that there were ‘times’ that we weren’t as grateful for them as we would have been if we had known how much we would miss them once they were gone. It’s like when our parents are gone and we can’t just give them a call or drop by for a visit any longer. Or the brother or sister who grew up in the same home with you….now lives across the country and you don’t have much in common with them any longer. You just lost touch because you didn’t take the time to stay connected.

I guess what it boils down to is….if you want to have wonderful memories in your Golden Years…you better start taking the ‘time’ right now to enjoy those precious moments! You can do it….Gommy is pulling for you! Hugs & Mush - Gommy

Happy Birthday Son!

I couldn’t let this day go by without telling you Happy Birthday Terry. Today, you would have been 41 years old. How the time does fly! I can still picture your gorgeous face and I still smile when I think of all the laughs we had together. I miss you every day that goes by….but I am so grateful that we had the time we did together.

As the song goes, “This world was not ready for someone as beautiful as you.” When you were a baby, I cuddled you, bathed you, dressed you and fed you, but the thought of you becoming a grown man who would go on to becoming a Father himself, and later attaining the rank of Army Airborne Ranger never entered my mind back then. But I do remember my heart swelling with pride the day you were awarded your Ranger Tab, as though it was just yesterday. What a remarkable accomplishment! Becoming one of the Brotherhood of Premier Special Forces of our Military. You Rock Sweetie!

As you were growing up, Grandma Katie told me something that I often wondered about. She said there is a saying that goes, “A daughters your daughter all of your live, but your son is your son till he takes a wife.” I worried for nothing about that old saying….because you had so much love in your heart, that you loved your wife, your sisters (Tracey and Tiffany) and your baby boy so much… and you still had enough love to always include your Mom. You were by no means ever considered a Mamas Boy…but you did love me and I will cherish that love always. And I am so grateful that you always knew how much I loved you too.

You were a gentle hero to us girls after your Dad died. You protected us anytime you felt we needed you and I know that was a huge responsibility for someone so young. I remember one day that Tracey and I were up on the roof doing some painting on our home in Hollywood, when you happened to drive by and saw us up there and must have freaked, because you stopped and came right up on the roof to help us finish the chore! That’s my Boy….always our Super Hero.

A few months ago, Terry and Megan came over to visit us. Megan drove her brand new car to show us. You would love it. She drove Gommy and Terry over to visit Aunt Tracey, Uncle John, Samantha and Brandon. I was thinking the whole time, how proud you would be of your grown children. We had so much fun that day and we laughed together, just the way you and I used to do.

So I just wanted to say Happy Birthday Sweetie. I miss you bunches….but you are with me every day….along with Tiffany. I ‘feel’ and sense you both all the time. Tracey and I will always love and remember you forever and ever…. till we meet again. And in the words of Rossiter Worthington Raymond: “Life is eternal, love is immortal, and death is only a horizon; and a horizon is nothing, save the limit of our sight.” So, today at 5:12PM, I’ll be thinking of the moment you were born and I’ll blow you an extra kiss. Hugs & Mush- Mom

Bitter or Better?

Hello boys and girls. It's another glorious Saturday and another day to be grateful for our blessings. Gommy was 'Friended' by someone yesterday on Facebook who knew my daughter Tiffany. Tiffany died 18 years ago, along with my son Terry in a car accident. Gommy always gets excited to meet anyone who knew my special Angels. It is terribly hard to speak of them to people who weren't fortunate to have met them. This is because nothing I can say about them, would ever capture the essence of of their beautiful spirits.

But back to the new Friend. This woman had also lost a daughter and I could tell she is still struggling. Losing a child is the worse thing any parent will ever have to face. My husband had the occasion of meeting a couple who just lost their daughter to cancer recently and she was just a little over a year old. It doesn't matter how old your child is when they are taken from you. A mother is a mother all of her life. Even when her children are grown with children of their own.....a mom still sees her child as the person who she would give up her own life for.

My new Friend said that I must be a strong woman to have gone through what I did when my children were taken. But, I explained to her that we have a choice when something horrendous happens in our life. We can become bitter or we can look for a way to BE better. The couple who lost their precious little girl is having a golf tournament to honor her life and my husband will run it for them. The monies raised will go to finding a cure for cancer. This brings another thought to mind. Goms firmly believes that there are no coincidences.I feel these people were meant to cross paths with my hubby.....because he understands what they are going through. When Terry and Tiffany died, he put on a golf tournament to honor their memory and to award scholarships in their name at the high school they attended. These things we do in memory of our angels....help us to feel closer to them. It also is a way to do something good instead of becoming bitter and blaming the world for such a terrible situation.

Many people who have losses never seem to get over them. Sadly, they do become bitter and the rest of their lives are defined by the death. It is much more fulfilling, IMHO, to focus on the wonderful time that was shared with those loved ones. And if you only focus on the day they died.....you erase or minimize all the wonderful days that you shared with them.

Now, Gommy knows it isn't as easy as making up your mind to BE better and it will just happen. It is a process. No one is expected to be happy about what happened....but it did happen and there is no changing the facts. There is definitely a grieving process that one must go through. But the operative words here are 'go through'. It doesn't do any good to stay stuck in the grief. Your loved ones would not want you to be sad for the rest of your life. Just as you wouldn't want your loved ones to be sad forever after you die. Gommy hopes that after I am gone....that when my daughter Tracey or my husband or my Grands think of me....they will smile and have warm and fuzzy memories of me.

Bitterness is a toxic emotion. It skews your outlook on everything in life. Bitterness can eat away at you until there is nothing left but the dried up remains of the person you used to be before your loss. There is a story that explains bitterness pretty well. It goes like this:

'Once upon a time there were two brothers. The younger brother hated the older brother. He became the Bitter Brother. What did the older brother do to make the younger brother bitter? Who knows? I'll tell you who knows....the Bitter Brother knows. He knows and remembers with a vengeance and he wants revenge.

Bitter Brother just can't let it go. So he sets out to settle the score....His revenge gives him no rest and his resentment grows and grows. His pain creates more poison to feed the bitterness. He feels there is no solution for his resentment.

But the Lord had mercy for the Bitter Brother and He sent an angel to the Bitter Brother. He said, "The Lord has chosen you to receive a great gift. You may ask for riches, a long healthy life, successful children.....anything you wish. But there is one stipulation, because God wants to teach you a lesson. Whatever you get, your brother will get twice as much. If you receive one million dollars, your brother will receive two million dollars. If you ask to be famous, your brother will be twice as famous " The Bitter Brother thought for a moment, "You will give me anything I ask?" The angel said yes and the Bitter Brother said, "Then make me blind in one eye."

Now that is pretty bitter. And the reality of revenge is that no matter what the outcome is....whatever made the Bitter Brother so vengeful.....hasn't gone away. Bitterness is a destructive emotion and hurts everyone. It is like the old adage that says that anger and resentment is like taking poison and expecting the other person to die.

So, Gommys advice would be to listen to your heart. If you feel mad and consumed with anger over something that has happened in your life....you can know that that isn't how you are supposed to be feeling. On the flip side of those emotions, if you feel you are remembering your loved ones and cherishing the times you shared...you will feel your heart swell with love. And THAT my peeps is why we are here on Earth. It's all about love. Love does heal all. And the 'heart' never lies. So try to relive the happy times you shared with your loved ones. You can do it. Gommy is pulling for you! Hugs & Mush-Gommy

Happy Mother's Day

Today is the day that little people all over scamper around, trying to 'surprise' Mom with breakfast in bed....or bring her the gift they made for her at school....and bring the cards, presents and love to her to show her that she is loved 'this big'.

Those memories are so precious to this Mom and I will always treasure those times that I was the recepient of those wonderful warm and fuzzy memories. But it can be bittersweet when I think of my two children who will not have those precious moments in their lives. But that thought is quickly replaced by picturing my little grands and my big grands who will tell their Moms how much they love her today. And this is part of passing the baton.

It also reminds me of the times that I did the same for my Mother. I can still feel the excitement of 'knowing' that I knew something my Mom didn't know. That I had made her this 'priceless' modeling clay ashtray or jewelry dish that I knew would take her breath away when she opened it and read the handmade card I had colored for her.

There are other things that one learns as they are passing that baton. Like the memory of rolling my eyes (albeit behind my Mothers back)...when I disagreed with something that she said or a belief that she held. Then remembering back to when my own children rolled their eyes at me at something I said or believed. Yes.....the beat goes on. And there will come a time when each parent is the one that receives that 'rolling eye' from the very child they gave birth to. That child who once thought you were all knowing and the most revered person in the world. But rest assured parents out there.....your time will come as well. It is generational....it is hereditary....and it is the circle of life!

So........all you Mommies out there enjoying your Mother's Day....relish every sweet moment! They go by so fast and if you don't concentrate on each millisecond...you will miss them. And you will miss them more than this Gommy can ever tell you in words. Enjoy Mommy.....you can do it! Gommy is pulling for ya' - Hugs & Mush, Gommy