To Thine Own Self...Be True!

Hello boys and girls. It's the beginning of a new year and of new beginnings. This brings up the idea that if we really and truly want this year to be the best year yet.....we have to do a bit of self-examination. It seems there is quite a bit of self doubt out there and that makes Gommy wonder why we beat ourselves up so much. Why do we care so much about what other people think? Why do we erupt when our way of thinking is questioned? What made us so fragile that we feel we have to defend ourselves from another person's perspective?

Gommy would like for all of us to start being kinder this year. And that means starting with being kinder to ourselves. You know, we are some pretty good stuff here. We are mothers and fathers and daughters and sons and Gommies and Grandpas and sisters and brothers and people who hold down careers (if we are among the lucky ones with jobs), and we should be able to feel good about ourselves.

But, it appears that many of us are searching for more out of life and some of us are downright unhappy! The real secret to happiness is to be grateful for what we do have. I know...I know....you are thinking, "Here comes that old grateful speech again!". But, Goms doesn't feel that everyone is on the same page when it comes to realizing that..... to receive happiness....we first have to be grateful for the things we DO have. And when we go down that road of thinking that we are a lesser this or that because 'someone' else doesn't agree with how we live, dress, appear, think.....we start hopping on the 'OOPS.....I'm not enough Train'.

We have to remember that there is nothing that is ever going to change the 'we' or 'who' that we are, just by another persons' opinion of us. We don't need someone elses' approval to lead our lives. Unless someone is paying our bills.....they don't get to tell us to live in a way that makes THEM feel more comfortable. However, there is an exception to this rule. If we are married, we do have to take into account how the other person factors into the daily machinations of life together.

Let Goms 'splain a little further.....the significant other that we are sharing our life with, does have a say in how they want to live their life too.....but not to the point of extinguishing our own wishes on how we would like to live. This is where compromise comes into play. We don't have to think exactly alike, but we do have to consider the other person, who we are sharing this life experience with. But, not to the exclusion of having something to say about how we live tooooooo! We are all individuals. We have different likes, dislikes, ideals, etc. It would be peachy if we could all agree on everything that comes down the pike. But......sorry kiddos....that isn't always the case. Sometimes, we have to just agree to disagree. And there is absolutely nothing wrong with that. To each his/her own. Gommy has always said if there is never an argument....only one person is doing the thinking!!!!!

But in marriage...if we are too far apart in how we 'see' things...problems erupt. The thing that usually works is to take a pause in the disagreement/fight/eruption.....and think about whatever is causing the disagreement. Maybe it is that you feel your spouse/or equivalent is not respecting you. Then, you must talk about this when you are both in a place where you will be able to 'hear'....not merely 'listen'....to the other side. There is a HUGE difference. Listening is like....blah, blah, blah.....yada.....yada....yada. You don't really want to hear what is coming out of the other persons mouth. Hearing, is actually empathizing with where the other person is 'coming from'. You don't have to agree....but you should 'listen AND hear' why they are feeling the way they do.

Another biggie in marriage is the dynamic of the relationship. There may be a bully and a victim pattern going on in the marriage. This pattern is set in place by one person doing the yelling and the other person taking it. Not a good scenario. But to stop that pattern.....you have to diffuse the bully and change the game plan. Now you may be saying...there shouldn't be any game playing in a marriage. Gommys' answer to that is.....'GROW UP!'. There is always character-playing in any life situation. There is the damsel in distress to the macho-macho man.....there is the provider and the provided for....there is the two-income earners who think they are equal but are always trying to prove a one-upmanship (or one-up-womans-ship- tee,hee), there is the employer and employee, etc. If anyone out there in blogland thinks most humans don't measure EVERYTHING in their life by comparing themselves to any number of other variables.....again, Goms says....'WAKE-UP PEEPS'. It is just the nature of the beast. But the tricky part is to not get wrapped up in caring too much about the other person's opinion of us. As long as we are doing the right thing, for the right reasons, we have to respect ourselves... for self-preservation.

But we must also not make the mistake of reading into things, that which is not there. As the great poet Ralph Waldo Emerson wrote, "Let me never fall into the vulgar mistake of dreaming that I am persecuted whenever I am contradicted!"

But, back to how do you change the dynamic....(if that is what you are aiming for)? Dig deep into the reasons 'why' each person feels so strongly about whatever is causing the chasm. There is usually a deep-seated vulnerability lurking in the subconscious that becomes the Hulk when that button is pushed. It is well worth looking into if you find the same arguments coming up all the time. As Einstein said....'The definition of insanity is to keep doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different outcome.' In other words......like Gommy says..DUH!!!

So, how about we think about the last fight that we had that was like a record that was stuck on deja vu'. (For those youngsters out there...a record player is a device for reproducing sound that has been recorded as a spiral, undulating groove on a disk using a turntable, a stylus and a needle on a tone arm. lol) Anywho....think about the subject that keeps coming up....then try to discover what about that subject is so volatile to you (or your partner). Then try to find out why it is still bugging you. And once you figure it out and come to terms with it in your own mind and relay it to your partner....so they don't keep pushing that hot button.....Voila'...you may just be able to erase that problem from your relationship. Oh, and about that other stuff about caring what other people think....try what Gommy does....Goms never cares about someone elses opinion that Goms doesn't respect herself....works for Gommy! ;D

You can do it boys and girls. Just dig....then dig down some more until you uncover and expose the dirty little bugger. It's under there. Set it free once and for all. Kum Bah Ya!!! Hugs & Mush - Gommy

New Years Resolutions!

This is the time of the year when we all make resolutions so we may look forward to a brighter, happier, slimmer, (or whatever)…..coming New Year.

I received a message today from a site that sends out daily inspirational and thought provoking emails. This particular one made me go hmmmmmmm. It started out saying that a new year is coming, so it would be a good time to wipe the slate clean….to focus upon what we really want and that we should start to chart our course in that direction. But then it went on to dispute each of those thoughts.

The first suggestion was instead of wiping the slate clean….we should just give thanks for life as it is. Because whatever has happened in the past year prepares us for what is ahead. Then for the next one about focusing….it said to define what is meant by your desired ‘end result’. This is because what we all want, we already have. We just haven’t pulled back the ‘filters’ and self-imposed roadblocks to our desires. The Bible says, “In Heaven as it is on Earth’. So, whatever we want, we already have in Heaven (Spirit). We must learn to focus on the certainty of this fact and we will see we already have ownership of our wildest desires. Then, for the last thought of charting our course, the email reminded me that all instincts and impulses that come to us, appear for us to take inspired action upon them. It’s like a little nudge from God. But we mostly don’t act on them because we feel it will seem silly or won’t go anywhere.

That got Gommy to thinking….hmmmmm. Everything that has ever happened, or has ever been invented, or each seeming miracle that has ever taken place….ANYTHING at all…..started with a thought. Thoughts do materialize into things. Into life and life experiences.

If we just sit around and wish this or that would happen in our lives….guess what? We will be sitting around a very long time, just watching everyone else who took action on their wishes and thoughts.

So, Gommy says for everyone to do something…..anything…..and know in your heart that it will happen if you believe. This is the perfect Season to feel comfortable in B-E-L-I-E-V-I-N-G. Do it. Do it now!!!! Happy New Year everyone. Make this the year we care more deeply about others, the year that we become the change we want to see in the world, the year that we love one another and the year that we fully appreciate all that we are blessed with each and every day. You can do it….Gommy is pulling for ya’ – Hugs & Mush, Gommy

'Tis the Season....

Hello boys and girls out there in blogland. You know 'they' say that this is 'The Most Wonderful Time of the Year'.....and the reason for this is that it's a time to be grateful for all we have in life....a time to be generous with those less fortunate....a time to remember all those memories from our own childhood....and a time to be thankful for the times we had with the people who we no longer have in our lives.

It is easy to get all caught up in the Holiday Hoopla..... and many moms and dads out there are at their highest 'fever pitch' of stress. But, if you can just take the time to enjoy the little things....the big things will take care of themselves.

Just yesterday, Gommy had the most fun time at my wonderful daughter Tracey's house. She had a Christmas Cookie making party and it was so special to see the little ones having fun and making cookies. But what Gommy really knew, was that they were making memories they would have forever.

The day brought Gommy back to the times when my own little ones were scampering around, all in awe of the festivities. Mommies may not realize it at the time, because they are trying to make everything magical for everyone. But Goms can tell you that your efforts will be remembered fondly when your little ones are Mommies and Daddies themselves one day. Believe it.....because Gommy knows this first-hand! ;-)

Gommy still remembers my own mother(Grandma Katie)....sitting at the table, prepping for this holiday or that one. I can still picture her filling the celery with cream cheese and olives, or making the stuffing and getting the Turkey in the oven at the crack of dawn, so it would be ready by 2PM. Or Grandma Katie coming for the Holiday visit with a 'Sleighful' of presents for her grandchildren and the kids squealing with excitement when she drove up to the house. Mom enjoyed the holidays as much at the little ones. As a Gommy now myself....I know how she must have felt....because when I go to Tracey and John's house and the kids run to me and scream in delight...."Gommy"... well, that is the best sound in the world.

My Tracey still remarks about how she remembers Grandma Katie doing this or doing that. Memories peeps....memories! Thank you Mom. I hope I told you enough how much I appreciated you! My Tracey tells me all the time and I can tell you it is a very nice feeling to know how much you are cherished.

We go through life, with all the ups and downs that fill our years, and sometimes wonder if we are making a difference to anyone. Gommy is here to tell you....a great big YES you are. You can buy toys, fancy phones, jewelry, cars, video games (are they still called that?), or any other 'thingy' there might be to show how much you care about someone.....but the memories you make with them are cherished far more than any trinket you can purchase. You may not be getting the gratitude shown that you deserve while the kids are still at home....but when they get out of the house and make their own families....they get their own 'aha' moments and they realize just how much mom and dad did do to make their memories be happy ones for them.

So, enjoy these times and know that you are making the sacrifices of your time, nerves, stress, and at the cost of your own appearance at times.....for a very good reason. Your family appreciates you....they may just not fully know it at this time yet....But they will. Gommy promises. Have yourself a wonderful holiday everyone. You can do it...Gommy is pulling for ya'....Hugs & Mush, Gommy

Peek A Boo - I See You!

I was listening to a lecture by Brene' Brown who spoke about having the courage to be imperfect. Most of us are afraid to let the 'real' us be exposed. We often hear how someone says they had a good experience with someone because they were real, i.e. not phoney. This is because it allows the people we interact with, to be comfortable that we aren't just promoting ourselves with some hidden agenda. And when we are not being our authentic self...being fake promotes our insecurities and feelings of not being worthy.

When we are afraid of letting others know who we are....we put a shield or a facade up that we think will be more acceptable. We are afraid of being vulnerable. But being imperfect and vulnerable is what makes us most endearing to other people. They feel they can let their guard down more with a 'real' person.

I started writing this blog yesterday and planned on finishing up today. It's funny how the Universe/God brings to us what we need in our lives. It is like the Proverb another Facebook friend posted as her status today: "The LORD directs our steps, so how then can we understand everything along the way?" Proverbs 20:24. This must be true, because through the years, I have found answers to many questions that I was struggling with, just by asking and then receiving these answers. And when I did get the answer...it unfolded the way it was supposed to unfold for my best results.

Part of the unfolding of this blog today was in something that happened with my granddaughter Samantha the other night. We were having Chinese food for supper and her 'fortune' from her cookie said...."A donkey in a silk dress...is still a donkey." She asked her- ahem......'above average and intelligent Gommy' what that meant. Oh boy...when the little ones ask questions...you have to think fast on your feet. So Gommy explained that it meant that we aren't supposed to act differently than what we really are because then we wouldn't be honest with ourselves or with others. That no matter what you dress up the donkey in......they are still a donkey. It's not the dress....it is what the donkey is, does and how it behaves that matters. Whew....that was a close one!

Another Facebook friend thanked me today for sharing another FB friend's posting on a thought about shame and guilt. She said it came to her just at the time she needed it most. Coincidence? I think not. What do they say about coincidence? It's God's way of staying anonymous. The notion about shame and guilt is that, surprisingly, guilt is ok. Shame is NOT ok. Why? Because guilt just says that what we DID was not ok...whereas shame says we ARE bad. Big difference there. We should feel guilty if we have done something unacceptable....but it is only shameful if we continually do bad things and have no remorse about our actions.

Back to the damages that feeling unworthy creates.... Gary Zukav says that insecurity, unworthiness and lack of self-esteem is the core experience of 'powerlessness'. When we feel powerless, our monkey-talk keeps telling us that we don't matter.....that we aren't good enough...that we may be rejected by others if they find out who the 'real' us really is....that there is nothing we can do about our lot in life. But the reality is that we are just as whole and perfect as we were created. God doesn't make junk! And He also doesn't make mistakes. The Universe is too complicated to have even one slip up. So, we can rest assured that we are worthy....that we do matter and that we can make our lives better by starting to believe that we have these good qualities.

Eckhart Tolle says our 'pain body' ( the monkey-talk or mental noise we have told ourselves.... about ourselves over the years.... i.e. our baggage) is very seductive in making us believe negative things about ourselves and is the cause of our suffering. If we just remain real and be ourselves...we don't have the fear of being 'found out'.

So, all my little peeps....give yourself a break. We all make mistakes and just remember that being vulnerable is not a bad thing to be. And never let the poo-poo heads of the world make you try to be something you aren't. Remember....it is better to be a real somebody than a fake nobody. Work on being your authentic self. The more you show your real self....the less you have to keep all the fake balls up in the air....and the less stress you will have about being exposed. You can do it boys and girls. Gommy is pulling for ya' - Hugs & Mush, Gommy

Family Feelings

Good morning boys and girls. Gommy has had the opportunity to observe several 'family behaviors' in the past week. It always amazes Goms how people can grow up together.....or become blended families and live together or at least know each other for years on end...and something happens or there is a major event that comes up and many of these people reach waaaaay down in their 'psyche pocket' and pull out all the resentments, jealousies, bitterness and foul feelings that they apparently have been harboring for a very long time.

Now, these people are not bad people. They go about their day to day life without exhibiting these deep seeded thoughts to the general public. But the fact that they react they way they do... is proof positive that they have been having these feelings for quite some time.

As to family rearing it's ugly head of sibling rivalry.....that is the most puzzling. You would think that after all these years...you would eventually 'grow up' and realize that the emotions you are feeling today....are the same emotions you felt as a child. Let's say that you always felt one of your siblings was Mom's favorite. Why then, do you take that out on that sibling? They didn't do anything. In fact, if they were the favorite...it was Mom who made you feel that way.....not Tom, or Sally.

Then for the blended families. It is alright to have your feelings about a 'step' him or her...but if you can be civil outside of the blended family to people you don't especially love.....then it would seem you could muster up enough integrity and good character to at least show some respect for everyone else in the 'circle', to be polite and allow the holiday or whatever event there might be.....to be enjoyable.

Sorry to have to bring this to your attention peeps...but it all boils down to selfishness. When you care more about how you feel than EVERYone else....then you are selfish. And just another little hint.....you will have to be the only guest at your pity party, because no one likes a whiner...for very long anyway. If it is all about needing to be noticed...at any cost...then you will always be alone and sad.

So, how about digging waaaaay down in that 'pocket' again and look for that nice emotion that is somewhere in there. You must realize that you are the one missing out on the fun. Because everyone else is going along their happy way and probably aren't even giving you a thought. Errrrrrr.....except that they are glad you aren't around to make everyone else feel uncomfortable.

The Holidays are coming and it is supposed to be the 'most wonderful time of the year'. Put on that happy face and be nice. You can do it.......Gommy is pulling for ya' - Hugs & Mush, Gommy

Loss

Yesterday, my mother-in-law passed away. Or, as Gommy likes to think of it....passed on to a different experience. Goms doesn't want to make this into a religious dialogue because religion can be very divisive and that is not what is intended with today's blog. Gommy would just like to express the loss I feel for a very good relationship I had with a special woman.

It is always sad when we lose someone we love. Just the fact that this person is no longer in our physical world changes many things. We all bring to the Universe different emotions, thoughts, wishes and hopes. And we share all of this with other people in our life. When we experience the loss of our loved one, we can no longer converse with them. There is an empty space left in our personal world. I read a beautiful thought that said....'When a mother dies....it is the first sorrow you face without her to comfort you.' That is very profound. From the moment we are born, our mother's are always there for us in our happy times....our sad times....our successes and even for our failures. She loves us no matter what. When she is not with us.....we feel lost. We can't call on her to remember someone or something from our childhood....we can't call her to tell her of something we accomplished (because we know she will be proud of us like no one else can be), we can't ask her advice about something going on in our lives. This loss is a great big void that is deeply felt.

Mary Anne Brady was in my life when my two children were killed in a car accident. Being the mother of seven herself....she could imagine the grief that I was going through. She never forgot the anniversary of the death of Terry and Tiffany and always sent me a beautiful card on the date. We had many long woman to woman talks throughout the years. But we became especially close when she came back to Tennessee and lived close to us for a year. We would go shopping or to her doctor's appointments and have lunch afterwards. Or I would take her to the cemetery where Granddaddy was buried. My good friend Betty and I would go over to visit with her often and bring supper for us all to share and talk and laugh. And we always included her in our social gatherings at the golf club. Mike's friends loved her too. I felt honored to make sure she felt valued in her later years. So many times, the elderly feel they are just an inconvenience to the younger generation. Nana knew she was loved and welcome any time she was with my husband Mike and me. We will all get old one day (if we are lucky) and I would hope I never have to feel that I am in the way to anyone.

I will miss calling Mary Anne to ask the name of an actor in a movie...or the name of the movie...or the date of something I had forgotten. She had the most amazing memory and her sense of direction and ability to get just about anywhere was awe inspiring to me. You see, I get lost backing out of the driveway....lol. I used to have to call her all the time when I first moved to Tennessee with my husband. I would continually get lost and all I had to do is call her and she could tell me exactly how to find my way back home just by telling her the name of the street where I was. She could tell me to turn right at the Exxon station and go 3 blocks to the cleaners and turn left and go .5 miles to.............you get the picture. She knew every street in Memphis....IN ORDER! One time I had my grandkids up visiting and I got lost. DUH...I called her on my cell and told her the street I was on and she knew right away that I was in the worse part of the city I could be in and she said (as serious as can be) "Tell the kids to lie down in the back seat..... and FLOOR it. Don't even stop for red lights!" Oh, did I mention that she had a hilarious sense of humor?

Have you ever bought anything for anyone and just didn't get the response you were hoping for? You had put a lot of effort into the purchase and you could just imagine the elation in the persons' face when they opened it....and then it was like you had given them a dead mouse. Well, you never had to worry about that with Mary Anne. I have NEVER given her a gift that she didn't say was the finest, most wonderful (fill in the blank here) doo-dad she had ever seen. And she would wear it proudly after she received it so you always knew that she did indeed love the gift you gave her. That is a grateful person and it just made you want to give her more all the time!

I cannot remember a birthday, christening, anniversary or any important family occasion that Nana and Granddaddy ever missed with the family. They had seven children and several grands and even great-grands and they tried to come to all of the events that they were invited to. It couldn't have been easy raising seven children who all went, at one time or another, to parochial school. I'm sure there were many times they had to go without themselves so the children wouldn't be without. I can't even imagine the juggling and planning it takes to manage that many people in a household.

So, here's to you Mary Anne. You were a wonderful part of my life and for that I thank you. You will be sorely missed and I just hope Mike can fill the ache he is feeling in his heart right now, with all the wonderful memories you gave him as his mother. He loved you more than words could ever convey. And I know you knew this because you told him that on the last visit we had with you just a few short weeks ago. I can honestly say I never heard him ever complain or say an 'ugly' word about you Nana or Granddaddy. EVER! That is something now...at least I don't think many people can say they have never said anything negative or griped about their parents at one time or another. Rest in peace Mary Anne and I hope you are having the grandest family reunion right now, with all those who have gone on before you. I'm sure they are very happy to see you again. Love and Hugs & Mush...Shirlee

A Mother's Love

Gommy is sad today because we just got word that our dear Nana (Grandpa's Mother) is not going to be with us much longer. We just spent the long weekend with her and we could see that this was coming....but we are never ready to let go of our Mother, now are we? I have had many great woman to woman talks with Nana over the years. We were lucky enough to have her live close to us for over a year while we were still in Tennessee.

Nana loved Tennessee.... and Memphis in particular. She and Granddaddy grew up in Memphis, married there and had seven children born in that city. They made and shared many, many happy memories there over the years. I can't think of one Christening, birthday, graduation, marriage or any other family event that they missed over the years for their children and grandchildren. They were definitely involved and loving parents. Nana shared many of those memories with me the times I would visit with her, on any given afternoon, when I would steal away from work to have lunch with her....or come over to her place after work and bring her dinner and just visit with her or watch a movie. Many times she would come to the golf course when we were having a Pot Luck event or to enjoy Bunco with the 'girls'. We had fun decorating her place for Christmas and the other holidays while she was living near us. Nana always had great taste in decorating. She loved her magazines and had several subscriptions for the ones that showed pretty home designs.

There were semi-monthly trips to the doctor where we could talk about a number of things that may be bothering her.....or just her wanting to share memories of Granddaddy, or the children or grandchildren with me. We went to the grocery store at least once a week. Nana looked forward to that time....as it was just about the last thing she could actually do for herself. We always went to Wally World or other big department stores that had those electric-type wheel chairs. It would take hours for her to finish all her shopping...even though I knew she didn't need much because she lived alone. But I realized that she just enjoyed getting out of the house for a bit. She was always telling me she was sorry that I had to be dealing with getting her wheelchair in and out of the car so she could get around. I assured her it was my honor to help her so she could get out and about. We always tried to have lunch out or sometimes it was an early supper on shopping day. Other days, she would call and tell me she had made something special for Grandpa, that she knew he loved, and we would come over to eat it with her.... even if we had to get right back afterwards, to close up the golf course for the day. Those are times we will always have to remember.

I will cherish those times even more after she is gone. And I will always be thankful that we did share those special times. When Granddaddy was alive, and we still lived in Florida, we were always begging them to come visit with us. They were such fun. We can always think back now with a smile, that they knew how much we wanted to be with them. Many times, parents become a 'nuisance' to their children and they don't feel very wanted any longer. We know that Nana and Granddaddy never felt that way in our home.

While we were visiting Nana this weekend....we said our good-byes as we always have in the past, but we all knew this was probably the last good-bye we would ever get to have. When Grandpa Mike leaned down to kiss Nana and say his good-byes....Nana held his hand more tightly than you would expect from someone so weak....and looked him in the eyes and told him...'I love you with all my heart." It was all I could do to hold back the tears until we were out of her sight. Grandpa has always had an extra- special relationship with his parents. All parents love their children....but Nana and Granddaddy knew without a shadow of a doubt...that their son Michael loved them back, with all of his heart too. That is a gift that Michael gave to himself.....a warm, comforting feeling that he did all he could ever do to make sure his parents felt honored and loved...and that they knew it while they were still here with him. That is what is called having peace of mind in your special parent/son relationship.

Mothers means so much to all of us. When we are little....our mother is everything to us. She feeds us, tucks us in at night, soothes us when we are sick and she loves us unconditionally. When we are teens....we wish we didn't have to be mothered so much...but thankfully...that passes and we come back to our senses eventually and realize how fortunate we are to have someone in our lives that cares for us as only a mother does. Then we become parents ourselves...and that is when the really big awakening happens and we realize just how much our parents do love us. Some of us are luckier than others in our special relationships with our parents. Others who haven't wanted to experience that closeness for whatever reason, have surely missed out on one of the greatest relationship in the world.

So, if anyone out there is lucky enough to still have their parents around.....take the time to let them know how much they mean to you. Tell them that you appreciate all they did for you while you were growing up. Even if you didn't have the best relationship.....they did bring you into the world. They deserve some gratitude for that at least...don't you think?

So thank you Nana for all the special times we shared over the years. I am so grateful to have had this past weekend to be with you and reminisce about the good old days. I will always remember our sitting out in patio area on Friday and the wind blowing in your hair. We could tell that you were enjoying being in the refreshing air by the smile on your face. It was almost as if you were remembering times from long ago. I really love how the Hospice movement says that loved ones should never die alone. That a loved one should hold your hand and comfort you as you transition from one plane of reality to another. May your transition be all that you have ever dreamed it would be! You are a great mother! God Bless You Nana.