Happy Fathers' Day

To all you Dads out there.....Gommy wishes you a wonderful day. Grandpa Mike had a great day so far. Gommy fixed Grandpa a super-duper breakfast of bacon, eggs, orange juice and homemade biscuits with strawberry jam. Then it was off to the beach. It couldn't have been a more beautiful calm ocean if Gommy had ordered it up for Grandpa. My daughter Tracey and her husband Johnny along with the grandkids, Samantha and Brandon surprised us and came to swim with us while we were there. Swimming in the ocean with your kids and grandkids, on a beautiful, sunny day in Florida....ahhhhhhhhhh - you can't ask for more than that. Well, maybe that Grandpa didn't have to go to work at 1pm and he could maybe stay at home, on the couch, and watch the U.S. Open Golf Tournament on TV ????? Okay...we are grateful for what we did have.

It really is true that anyone can be a father, but it takes someone special to be a DAD. I know Grandpa Mike has always been a great DAD and Step-Dad. He has been and still is so proud of his son Michael and my children, Terry, Tracey and Tiffany. And he has been a terrific Grandpa as well. He agreed to have my grandson Terry come to live with us for a whole school year, a while back. Having a teen in the house is a lot to ask of someone who works seven days a week. I believe it did my grandson a world of good and I know Mike enjoyed helping him he and never complained once. That takes a real big heart. But anyone who knows Mike knows how big a heart he has. He is the proverbial guy who would give you the shirt off his back. There have been times I have had to rein him in so he didn't literally give his last shirt away....I guess you could find other things to fault a man about.

So Gommy wants to tell all you Dads that you should enjoy every single second of the time you have with your children. These are precious times and they go by so very fast. There may be days that you will want to pull your hair out by something they have done, but you will find that it is all worth it when they do something out of the blue that make the buttons on your shirt just pop off..... Make memories with your children. That is all they will have when you are gone. It is the best gift you can ever give them. It is what we all look for in the movies we watch that make us all warm and cozy. Nostalgia.....That is the feel good feeling that just makes you wish you could get it back.........even for just a day.

Am I up to date or out of the loop?

Gommy was recently talking with a cutie patootie co-worker about how when my daughter Tiffany was a teenager, she used to give me a 'word of the week' so I wouldn't become an old fogey. Each week she would put a new 'word' on the dryer in my laundry room. She knew I'd always find it there!!! No doubt.....(that is one of those phrases of the day.)

Some of the words 'back in the day' were; chill, fly-girl, the bomb, peace out and cool. Cool must never go out of style because I still hear people (yes, even young people) using it today. Tiff would still be trying to keep ole' Mom up to date if she were around, but my sweet Tiff died in a car accident several years ago. Tiff would be happy and proud to know her old Mom continues to try to keep up with the times.

My little friend and co-worker Jen, gave me some new and up to date words to keep me in the loop. She is a sweetie and a senior in high-school and I know she would have loved Tiff and Tiff would have loved her as well. To be honest, I am quite pleased the younger set still even wants to talk to me, since I really am approaching the 'old fogey' set more so now. There might be some Gommys and Grands out there who might want to keep up with the younger set, so Gommy will let you in on some of the words Jen gave me; duck - meaning dumb as a duck, bout it - meaning fast, straight - means cool (but you can still use cool, don't worryI checked), true - you say that every few minutes when someone is telling you something (I guess it is to let them know you are still listening), dip -means you are leaving (it used to mean stupid as in 'dumb as a dip-stick'), sick - means cool (again), mom - means you are being a drag so lighten up!, scoop me up - means will you pick me up. There, that should do you for a while. Write them down and go over them every once in a while. Try to use them in conversations with other older folks and maybe we can bridge the generation gap a word at a time.....Gommy will throw in another word every once in a while in my blog to help keep us all up to date.

Gommy really enjoys working with young people. It helps to keep you younger (in your thoughts anyway). If you 'hang' with
( that's another term meaning - be with) only old people, the only new terms you are going to pick up are MRI, bowel movement, scan, ache, pain.....get it? I prefer to try to stay as young as I can. Not because of vanity.....we are all going to get older, but you don't have to get OLD! Old people have a tendency to be grouchy too, or as my granddaughter Samantha says, "He is grumpy Gommy". If all you talk about is your aches and pains and your next doctors' appointment, no wonder you are grumpy.....

So let's start trying to at least act younger in our way of how we think of things. Try saying things that are pleasant and not always about our sicknesses. Think about it, no one really wants to hear about your bowel movements or your last medical procedure..... Give it a break. Smile once in a while and don't feel as if you have to give your advice to everyone you come in contact with. They don't want that either.....

Good luck to all you seniors out there, and I don't mean the ones still in high school. Try talking to a teen once in a while, you'll be surprised how much you can learn from them!!!! Just today, even my granddaughter Samantha (2 1/2 years old) taught Gommy something. I was watching her for my daughter, and Samantha was playing 'dress-up'. I asked her who she was and she said she was a Princess. I asked her who Gommy was and she said Cinderella....and I thought that was quite a coincidence since Gommy sometimes feels like Cinderella, but the one BEFORE the Prince comes to rescue her. Then she suggested that Grandpa Mike could be the King. I asked who Mommy could be and she said 'Ariel'. (FYI -Ariel is the Mermaid of movie fame). Then I asked who Daddy could be and she said, "Eric". Of course I played along but I didn't have a clue who Eric was. When Mommy got home, she informed me that Eric is Ariels' significant other.... DUH - seems you can even learn from a toddler. Now get started on those words.....

Blended Families

Today is Gommy's step-sons twenty-sixth birthday. Happy Birthday Michael. That is what we call him now that he is a grown up man. When he was little, we called him Mikey. I first met 'Mikey' when he was two years old. He was wearing a little blue suit with a cute little bow-tie and shorts instead of long pants. He was the cutest little guy. Time flies, as they say, and he now has a little girl of his own.

The dynamic of a blended family is very complex. In Gommys' case, my children were 8, 11, and 12 and my husbands' son, Mikey, was 2. Ours was a complicated start. I was a young widow and my husband Mike was recently divorced. I think it is somehow easier on the children, if that is possible, when the parents are divorced. I say that because when a parent dies, there is more of a loyalty factor involved. I used to say that if I had even married a Rock Star, he wouldn't have been welcomed into the family any easier.

I have come to realize (you know the ole' 20/20 hindsight) that I could have handled everything much better than I did. To my defense, this was over 24 years ago and I wasn't privy to all the 'self help' books available now. There weren't as many blended families back then and there are many more resources to help families navigate those waters since the divorce rate has since sky-rocketed. When my son Terry was about 8, I can remember one of his teachers telling me she had called him up to her desk one day. This was before we lost his father in a car accident. Anyway, the teacher wanted to write me a note to send home with Terry and she asked if he had the same name as his mother. What she meant was his last name. Terry wasn't aware of divorce or loss at that time and he answered, "No, her name is Shirlee". Gommy still laughs when I think of that story.

The biggest mistake Gommy made was trying not to take sides because of the 'guilt factor'. I felt if I took the kids side, I was being disloyal to my new husband. And on the reverse side, if I were to take my husbands' side, I was being disloyal to the children. By not just letting the two 'sides' go at it themselves, I was actually prolonging the agony. Each member of the family has to work out their relationship with each other. You can't make anyone get along or like the other person. They have to do that themselves and it takes years of trusting each other and by just getting used to the whole new family. If anyone out there thinks it is all one big happy family from the very beginning......think again.

In our family's case, we all ended up loving one another but it did take several years. I have since read that the usual time for a blended family to settle in with each other is seven years. SEVEN YEARS!!!! Most people give up way before the time it takes to make it through the rough times. But anything worth having is worth working on and working out. What doesn't kill you makes you stronger......Boy, are we ever strong......I can remember saying that if I had been the one that had come into a family that had lost their parent, I would have been a 'chicken' and told my husband, "I'll see you when the kids are grown and out of the house!" I have to give my husband a lot of credit for sticking with me through all the 'stuff' he had to go through. Thank you Mike.

Anyway, all is well now and little 'Mikey' is twenty-six today. Gommy and Grandpa Mike are so blessed to have five 'blended' grandchildren and we are thankful every day for the health and happiness we all enjoy. Thank you God.

Character

Gommy wants to talk about character today. There are quite a few 'characters' out there in the world, but very few of them HAVE good character. Gommy is talking about the 'good ole' sort of character. The kind our parents were lucky enough to have known and shown. The kind where your word is your bond - you would never steal anything (even paperclips from work) - lying wasn't automatic - you would never be late for work - calling in sick was only if you were 'really' sick........do you get the gist of where this is going?

Yesterday was a happy/sad day for Gommy. My son Terry would have been 39 yesterday. I say happy/sad because I was sad to think of my son not being with us any longer but I was happy about so many memories I have of Terry. Terry was only 22 when he died, but he was certainly a man of character. I was pleasantly surprised this year to receive (through my daughter Tracey) an email to her from a soldier Terry was in the Army Rangers with. Talk about character???? You better have some character to be an Army Ranger. The lives of your fellow soldiers depend on your having some pretty awesome 'character'. The email was to let my daughter Tracey know that although she didn't know this soldier, he was in the service with Terry. He was a lawyer now in one of the Carolina's and that he just wanted her to know that her brother was a totally honorable, trusted, heroic man and that this soldier tried every day to be as good a man as Terry was. Now, do you think Gommy felt proud?????? You betcha.

Now another time Gommy was made to feel really proud was just a few weeks ago. My daughter Tiffany also died in the same car accident with my son Terry. One day I was looking at my Facebook site and noticed a picture on someone else's site with Tiffany in it. I 'tagged' the photo with Tiff's name. The lady wrote me back that she was a friend of Tiffs' and loved Tiff so much when they went to school together and she still has pictures of Tiff in her house. She has even told her little girl all about what a special person Tiffany was. Wow...these nice words really make a mom feel great.

My daughter Tracey makes me proud every day. She is a wonderful daughter, wife and now mother to the smartest, cutest and most special two children in the world...oops, I have to watch myself when I go off like that. But Tracey (and her husband Johnny) are really making a pointed effort to raise good children who are going to be future fellow citizens out in this crazy world. I feel very proud because they 'get it'. They don't just get up every day and go though the 'grind'. They think about how everything they do is going to affect the children. They are already seriously planning the childrens' education and the children are only two and a half and five months old. They 'get it' that good people don't just happen, they are 'reared' and that it takes thought and planning. It is so important to raise children thoughtfully or you will end up with them being grown 'people without character' and we already have plenty of those thank you.

Well, enough of Gommy bragging. But remember this.....it is easy to look like you have good character when everything is going great. It is a bit harder to keep that good character when everything seems to be falling down all around you. But that is the true measure of a good person. When you can keep your word about something you promised, (even if something else more fun comes along) or you are still kind to people even when your own world seems to be crumbling (remember it isn't their fault so don't take it out on anyone else), or you can be happy for someone else's good fortune even if you feel you aren't having any good luck yourself, etc. That is how you can keep track of how you are doing in the 'good character' department. So, Gommy says to try to start today by practicing to be a 'good character'. It takes a concerted effort but after a time you will find that it is really worth it. You will feel so much better about yourself. Go on, try it...............Gommy is pulling for you!

Relationships

Hello to all! Guess what Gommy is going to talk about today? Can't guess? Okay, it is about relationships. Now, there are all sorts of relationships, i.e., mother and child, siblings, boss and employee, friend to friend, etc. But Gommy is talking about the relationship between a man and a woman for this piece today. Sometimes the relationship is between a girl and a boy when it is 'young love'. Ahhhhhhhhhh, remember that feeling when you first become attracted to that special someone? Those butterflies in your stomach when you think of them, that seeing your special one through a misty, rose-colored glow? When you are away from them, you envision them in slo-motion, running towards you with the anticipation of pure bliss. Everything they say and do is just wonderful. They are the funniest person in the whole, wide world. They are the smartest person in the whole, wide world. You can't get enough of them, you want to talk to them all the time and be with them all the time. When you aren't with them, you are constantly thinking about them and can't wait until you are together again.


WAIT! Where did those feelings disappear to? What the heck happened to all those butterflies -
those ten-thousand volts of emotions we were feeling all the time? Does your partner wonder where all those wonderful feelings went as well? Gommy thinks it is something called 'Familiarity'. My mother used to say "Familiarity breeds contempt". What I think that means is the more you are with someone; be it a friend, sibling, a spouse or significant other, the more probable it is that they begin to irk you. The very same things that we found so adorable at first, now becomes grating......You know, like that loud 'blinking'.

They say there is a 'lid for every pot'. And when you look around, it does seem that is true. Think about your own circle of friends. I will venture to say there are very few of your friends significant others that you can imagine yourself with as their "lid". You probably aren't on anyones' short list either, so don't get too smug.

Relationships are similar to anything worth having and nurturing in our lives. They take work. Lots of work. If you just let it be, it will die like a house plant that you forgot to water. Gommy thinks one of the major things that happen with a relationship is that when two people decide to spend the rest of their lives together they are each under a HUGE misconception. That being in the case of the woman, she thinks she will be able to change anything that she finds annoying about her man once they get married. In the case of the man, he thinks his lovely, wonderful woman is never going to change how she takes care of him and laughs at his every remark. WRONG....... the man is never going to change......NEVER! And the woman is going to change daily, weekly and sometimes hourly. Sorry girls, but we know that is true. So how do we expect to be the same twinkle-toed, dewey-eyed lovers we once were? WORK, WORK, WORK on it every day. Make the person you are with the most important thing in your life. Your children are your priority when they are little, but they will leave you some day to have their own life and they won't want you around as much any longer. Your mate is just that....your mate. That means you and your partner are a team that are meant to be together for as long as you live. You get what you give, so if you give less than you should, that is what you are going to get in return. Don't ever put them down in front of anyone else. You wouldn't like it if they use you to be the brunt of a joke, so don't do it to them. Don't complain about your partner to anyone elese either because your 'friend', who you have taken into your 'confidence' is usually telling their spouse and they will just 'have' to let your partner in on it somehow.

So, everyone just start to think of how you would like to be treated and start treating your spouse that way. You may not notice anything at first, but it will pay off in the very foreseeable furture. And after awhile, it will be the way you act normally and you may just get back some of those ten-thousand volts......well, maybe a hundred or so....

Good Luck to all you lovebirds out there.....

Forgiveness and Forgiving

Well, it's Sunday again and Gommy's spiritual side is awake and up and at it.....Today, I want to talk about forgiving and forgiveness. It may sound like a pretty cut and dried subject but it can be a very tricky and sticky subject.

When someone forgives us, it is an easy gesture to accept and we can feel like a 'ton of bricks' has been lifted off of our backs ( or our conscience in some cases). Depending on the reason for being forgiven, it can actually change a persons' life. We can accept the persons' forgiveness gracefully or we can be smug about it by feeling we didn't really have all that much to be forgiven for.

Now the forgiving of someone or something can be a lot tougher to be so gracious about. We humans tend to hold onto our grudges like little bundles of hate, for lifetimes in some instances. I have been guilty in the past of holding onto my feelings of hurt over a misunderstanding or something someone did for way too long. After a time, although most won't admit it, we actually forget what we were so mad about but we still hold the grudge. What must we be thinking? It takes so much energy to keep harboring such animosity.

Gommy has come to the conclusion that when someone hurts us, we feel we must protect ourselves or our self-image (ego) of ourselves, so we just cut off all connections with the person who 'did us wrong'. If it is a family member, we may do this by sabotaging them 'emotionally'. They may not even know it, but WE sure do.....But holding a grudge is really much harder on the 'holder' than the 'holdee'. The person you are upset with usually just goes along their merry way and never gives you or the instance another thought. While the 'holder' of the grudge stays angry, upset, hurt and nurtures their grudge and protects it and holds onto it for dear life. Why? Who is being hurt by the whole instance?????

But Gommy also has thought about this for some time and realizes that the reason people get to the point that they are holding the grudge in the first place must be that they feel their self-worth was attacked. For instance: If someone doesn't ask you to a certain family function, or says something nasty about you, or didn't reply to an invitation you gave them, or you feel they didn't keep in touch with you like you thought they should have over the years, it makes you feel you have to defend yourself and your sense of yourself. You feel 'attacked' and you must 'defend' your sense of being 'right'. But is it more important to be 'right' or to be happy? Many people are insecure and it doesn't take very much to peel off the protective 'scab' we put on our 'social faces'. It really boils down to our not being able to feel good about ourselves when we allow someone else's' opinion or point of view or whatever it was that upset us to have an impact on our life. Gommy says, everyone gets one life to be the boss over. You don't get to be the 'boss of me' and I don't get to be the 'boss of you'. What I mean by that is that everyone should just keeps their noses (politics, religion, child-rearing practices, etc.) to themselves and let people make their own mistakes and make their own minds up about their politics and religion or how they raise their family. Believe me, everyone will get along much better if you try it.

I finally learned over the years it is best to let go of the grudge and forgive. And much to my surprise, I found in the end, the person I was doing the biggest favor in the whole she-bang was ME!!!!! The instant I forgave the other person, POOF....I felt as light as air. Now you don't even have to tell the other person you forgive them. Many times they don't even live close to you anymore or they may even be dead and gone! It really isn't about the other person anyway, it is about letting go of our own useless emtional baggage. Just the act of letting it go is so freeing that it makes you realize how futile the whole thing was in the first place. I have actually re-connected with a few people I had been missing over the years by just telling them I was sorry about the whole thing and let's just start off on 'square one' again....It is nice to have friends, even ones you thought were lost.

So let's start to try to mind our own bees-wax and live and let live. There is usually enough going on in all of our lives to manage without trying to manage someone else's life!!! Or put another way, let's just "forgive and forget" whatever was bugging us......Happy Sunday ((*.*))

Advice

Gommy was thinking about what I would write about today and thought of the subject of 'advice'. Gommy would love to be the next "Dear Gommy" advice columnist like the well-known and respected 'Dear Ann' or 'Dear Abby' of newspaper fame. Gommy got to thinking about the actual word 'advice'. The definition comes from the Latin - vis - which means 'see' or 'seem' or translated to the word 'advice' - 'to seem', as in what would 'seem' to be a better choice. A word that is related to 'advice' is 'ad-vis-able. Used in a sentence it would be; "The doctor doesn't think it is 'advisable' to take this medication." Meaning it doesn't seem to be a good choice.

Advice is a tricky position to tackle. If you offer your advice, as in, "If you want my advice.", and the other person hasn't asked for it, the actual answer from whomever you are talking to is most often - No thanks! And advice that is asked for is rarely ever really wanted. I know, Gommy said 'asked for'. But what usually happens when someone asks for your 'advice' is they really just want you to agree with their point of view. You must be very careful before you give your advice because we are all guilty of giving advice based on our own biased opinion. What we do is project our own feelings or experiences onto the scenario of the persons' predicament who is asking for advice. That rarely works because everyone has their own 'stuff' going on and what would work for one person doesn't necessarily translate to being the right way to handle something for another person.

That is why the newspaper advice columns did so well in answering questions they received from strangers. There was less bias involved precisely because the columnists didn't know the questioner. They may have had some of their own 'stuff' going on in their answers, but not knowing the person asking, they could answer more objectively.

Being human, it is hard to answer a request for advice with complete objectivity. If the person asking is a relative or close friend, the question may be answered to the benefit of the person who is being 'questioned' and not for the benefit of the persons asking for the advice. Example: A person is asked, by a friend, what they should do about a certain male they are interested in. The 'questioned' one may be afraid that their friend wouldn't have as much time with them any longer if they become involved with someone so they advise against getting involved with the male they are asking about. Or, they may just be jealous of the friends' attraction to someone else. That may sound funny, but there are many people out there who are very jealous of other peoples' stuff, looks, family dynamic, careers, children, etc. So be careful who you ask 'advice' from and be even more careful of giving 'advice' so that you are answering in a way that is really right for the other person.

So, if you want Gommy's advice........keep reading my blogs. I'm full of it... (advice I mean)!!